Infidelity Recovery

Monday, May 19th, 2008 at 6:16 pm



If your relationship has survived an affair, I would very much like to hear from you.  Your stories, experiences and recovery process, if you are willing to share them, may be very helpful to others.  My desire is to learn from you, so that I can determine the different variables that constitute or lend to healing from the infidelity experience.

For example, what were/are the crucial factors that made it possible for you and your partner/spouse to continue in the relationship?  What did each of you do individually and/or as a couple that allowed for healing?  Are you still in the process of healing?  When was the infidelity(s) in relation to where the relationship is now?

If you are willing to participate in this inquiry, or you have any questions about this, please feel free to email me.  I appreciate your consideration.

In the mean time, here are two very helpful resources:

“The Monogamy Myth, by Peggy Vaughan

Brian & Anne Bercht’s Infidelity Recovery Workshops

Jim Hutt, Ph.D., MFT

Contact Dr. Hutt

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  1. I just wish I knew if couples really survived this. Right now, the only information I seem to find on the web is “once a cheater, always a cheater” – but those are from G*d knows who. I wish there was something out there like groups of couples who did this and went through it – so I can get both sides- who survived. I mean really survived, not just for a few years more, but for happily ever after – if that is even possible. All I keep finding in research on the web is someone trying to sell me the secrets of healing and strengthening my marriage for the bargin price of $100. If it were that sincere in trying to help, why isn’t it free? Why aren’t there couple therapy groups? I want to speak with someone who has gone through this and survived, I want to know both sides of the story from others. I want to see hope. Every affair that I actually know of has ended in divorce. I want to believe that there are couples out there (who I don’t know about) who made it. Its just that we ONLY hear of the bad results – those are what are made public.

    Comment by Jennifer — September 13, 2008 @ 8:06 pm

  2. I was in a relationship where I cheated. My partner was incredibly loving, and while hurt, wanted to make US work. We talked about who it was, and how it happened, and then worked backwards from there to see what led to it. We agreed on steps to take if the trigger conditions should present themselves again. We know that trust is vital, and she was willing to give me cautious trust again. The look of pain in her eyes was enough to make me stop. Knowing the trigger conditions, I now either avoid or deflect them. I make sure that when I want someone, it’s her. We’re lucky – we made it.

    Comment by Nick — January 4, 2010 @ 1:27 am

  3. Thanks, Nick, for your contribution to this subject. My guess is you were not so much as lucky, but more likely committed–to your partner, yourself and the relationship. It sounds as though both of you did, and continue to do, the crucial work that enabled the two of you to build a brand new trust, and deepen the relationship.

    I appreciate your mention of “triggers.” I have found with the couples I counsel that in addition to avoiding or deflecting a trigger, discussing the trigger with your partner is another way to build trust, prevent the infidelity, and maintain the transparency required by many couples recovering from an infidelity.

    I encourage you both to continue showing up for each other. I only gets better! Great work!

    Dr. Hutt

    Comment by Jim Hutt, Ph.D. — January 4, 2010 @ 12:21 pm

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