Comments on: Divorce & Children http://www.counselorlink.com/divorce-children/#utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=divorce-children Professional Counseling, Psychotherapy, Conflict Resolution and Communication Sun, 11 Apr 2010 17:11:00 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.9.2 hourly 1 By: Dr. J. Hutt http://www.counselorlink.com/divorce-children/comment-page-1/#comment-59 Dr. J. Hutt Tue, 23 Mar 2010 14:54:34 +0000 http://www.counselorlink.com/?p=78#comment-59 You question is a good one, worthy of a dissertation! However, a shorter answer will have to suffice for now. The degree of conflict is defined by each family/couple. And yes, there is conflict in all families, and that's not a bad thing, it's actually a good thing. In my opinion, it is through conflict and how a couple manages it, that a family either grows closer, or ends up distant from each other. Unless and until couples redefine conflict as a difference instead of a fight, learn how to manage their individual emotional reactivity, and learns how to listen, it will difficult to express the love they feel, and feel the love they want. The impact on children is clear: they learn from parents how to think and feel about conflict, and to manage it effectively or ineffectively. Unfortunately, we are a culture of talkers who have trouble listening. My next post will address that issue. You question is a good one, worthy of a dissertation! However, a shorter answer will have to suffice for now. The degree of conflict is defined by each family/couple. And yes, there is conflict in all families, and that’s not a bad thing, it’s actually a good thing. In my opinion, it is through conflict and how a couple manages it, that a family either grows closer, or ends up distant from each other. Unless and until couples redefine conflict as a difference instead of a fight, learn how to manage their individual emotional reactivity, and learns how to listen, it will difficult to express the love they feel, and feel the love they want. The impact on children is clear: they learn from parents how to think and feel about conflict, and to manage it effectively or ineffectively. Unfortunately, we are a culture of talkers who have trouble listening. My next post will address that issue.

]]> By: Carol http://www.counselorlink.com/divorce-children/comment-page-1/#comment-55 Carol Fri, 19 Mar 2010 05:04:58 +0000 http://www.counselorlink.com/?p=78#comment-55 Great article. I have the same question as Fran: What qualifies a low-conflict and high-conflict relationship in the research? I also feel that a big part of the problem is not being discussed in most articles and books I have read on this topic: love. You can be in a conflictual relationship while loving your partner and be in a less visibly problematic one with no love or interest in your partner whatsoever. Does that have an impact on children, and which one? Great article. I have the same question as Fran: What qualifies a low-conflict and high-conflict relationship in the research?
I also feel that a big part of the problem is not being discussed in most articles and books I have read on this topic: love. You can be in a conflictual relationship while loving your partner and be in a less visibly problematic one with no love or interest in your partner whatsoever. Does that have an impact on children, and which one?

]]> By: Jim Hutt, Ph.D. http://www.counselorlink.com/divorce-children/comment-page-1/#comment-44 Jim Hutt, Ph.D. Wed, 09 Dec 2009 15:44:26 +0000 http://www.counselorlink.com/?p=78#comment-44 Additionally, I strongly encourage parents to consult with a therapist before they talk to their kids to consider several things first: Age of the children and how age impacts the kids' ability to understand what they are told; how to manage the kids' reactions; how to manage the parental reactions to the kids responses; how to manage/answer questions the kids may have; and how to read kids' concerns, which often are masked by their questions/comments. How conversation(s) are conducted can have an even greater impact than the fact of the divorce itself, especially if the conversations do not go well. Divorce conversations are pivotal moments in the divorce process. Thanks for weighing in this topic, I really appreciate it. Jim Hutt, Ph.D. Additionally, I strongly encourage parents to consult with a therapist before they
talk to their kids to consider several things first: Age of the children and how age impacts
the kids’ ability to understand what they are told; how to manage the kids’
reactions; how to manage the parental reactions to the kids responses; how to manage/answer questions
the kids may have; and how to read kids’ concerns, which often are masked by their questions/comments.

How conversation(s) are conducted can have an even greater impact than the fact of the divorce itself,
especially if the conversations do not go well. Divorce conversations are pivotal moments in the divorce process.

Thanks for weighing in this topic, I really appreciate it.

Jim Hutt, Ph.D.

]]> By: Cory Aidenman http://www.counselorlink.com/divorce-children/comment-page-1/#comment-43 Cory Aidenman Wed, 09 Dec 2009 11:07:34 +0000 http://www.counselorlink.com/?p=78#comment-43 Divorce has a long-lasting impact on children. Fact! With that said you will both need to sit down with them together and explain why you are getting a divorce and how things will be like in the future. You need to be patient and understanding with them and their emotions. Divorce has a long-lasting impact on children. Fact! With that said you will both need to sit down with them together and explain why you are getting a divorce and how things will be like in the future. You need to be patient and understanding with them and their emotions.

]]> By: Fran http://www.counselorlink.com/divorce-children/comment-page-1/#comment-13 Fran Sun, 21 Sep 2008 22:58:28 +0000 http://www.counselorlink.com/?p=78#comment-13 Thank you for this information. My question is - how do you determine if you are in a low-conflict or a high-conflict marriage. My husband, a "functioning alcoholic" (these circumstances have driven a wedge between us) and I have difficulty hiding from our 8 year old son that we basically just don't "like" eachother anymore. We have disagreements but not all out fights or arguements. Still, our son is aware ... I don't know which is worse for him - for us to stay together or for us to seperate ... Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks, Fran Thank you for this information. My question is – how do you determine if you are in a low-conflict or a high-conflict marriage. My husband, a “functioning alcoholic” (these circumstances have driven a wedge between us) and I have difficulty hiding from our 8 year old son that we basically just don’t “like” eachother anymore. We have disagreements but not all out fights or arguements. Still, our son is aware … I don’t know which is worse for him – for us to stay together or for us to seperate …
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks,
Fran

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