Comments on: Couple Hierarchy?

By: therapist

therapist — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 02:17:55 +0000

I like this article a lot because it gives me the grounds that I need to never have to ask for permission to do anything again! I am a grown woman- why do I always feel the need to ask for something rather than state just what it is that I want or what I would like to do? This is crazy. Your article has given me some real insight on how I am not giving myself the respect and love that I deserve because when I ask others for permission it makes me become passive and at someone else’s will. It is time for a brand new me, one who stands up for herself and finally makes the moves that I need to in order to become the person that I want to become.

By: therapy

therapy — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 15:37:10 +0000

I loved this article. My husband and I try to be very respectful of one another and have never really gone down that road of seeking permission from the other to do other things. I do try to take his work schedule into consideration if I ever want to go out with the girls and I feel like he always does the same for me. I still do have some guilty feelings sometmes about going out and getting some “me” time but it generally makes me feel like both a better wife and a mother when I do that. I have never wanted to be in that type of relationship where there is a hierarchy among the couple, but have friends who live in that every day. I think that it makes for a much better and healthier relationship and marriage, never mind sets a better example for your kids, when you are kind and considerate rather than in a relationship that is just about giving permission.

By: Lisaf-breakingthecycles

Lisaf-breakingthecycles — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 02:48:30 +0000

Great article.
I think another component contributing to Couple Hierarchy in some relationships is substance abuse (drugs or alcohol).
If one spouse is abusing and feels particularly guilty after an episode, the other spouse takes the upper hand because of that guilt (and it’s gladly given by the spouse whose abuse is causing problems in the relationship). Then, if the substance abusing spouse is able to curtail their abusive use for a period of time, that spouse often takes the upper hand, again, believing they’re entitled to it because of what they’ve done to get a grip on their substance use.
The other spouse allows it because they’re unconsciously hoping that doing so will stave off another substance abuse episode.

And, on it goes until both start to understand the role substance abuse plays in a relationship.

By: Name withheld by request

Name withheld by request — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 19:04:14 +0000

As I was reading Couple Hierarchy, I felt this was about me. I did feel like a child asking my father for permission most of the time. I never felt I could ask or talk to him without getting the third degree at times. Sometimes an explanation is not necessary. Although, he did ask me if he could this that or the other, I never put restrictions on him because I didn’t feel it was fair. As adults we know right from wrong and as long as we respect ourselves and home…permissions are not necessary. Can I? questions, I was never fond of….We have to understand when we say I do to whoever is marrying us; it is a partnership not an ownership for the rest or our lives.

I really enjoyed reading this…it hit home and make total sense. We take for granted while in the relationship what we do and say vs. outside of it and knowing what we should do or say.