by
James P. Hutt, Ph.D., MFCC
Conflict is unavoidable in the course of everyday life. We all
face it daily whether with a spouse, sibling, friend, employer,
boyfriend, girlfriend or stranger. The elements of conflict are
many and complex, therefore, this edition of the CounselorLetter
will focus on one aspect of conflict that tends to inhibit conflict
resolution: blame.
WHAT
IS BLAME
 When viewed from one perspective, blame is the placing
of responsibility on the object or person with whom we are in
conflict. If angry at an object, perhaps you throw it,
break it, or maybe become outwardly angry verbally, shout an
expletive or at the very least clearly make known your dissatisfaction.
(Needless to say, an inanimate object couldn't care less about
our response.)
At other times, an individual may behave toward us in an unacceptable
manner.
For example, one spouse says to the other about an acting
out child: "It's YOUR fault he/she acts that way because
you never tell him/her no! You don't set limits!" Typically
the blamed one feels defensive and offers the following response:
" No, it's YOUR fault! I don't set limits any more because
YOU always undermine me!"
A common retort to that is: "Oh, I know, it's
always MY fault--you never do ANYthing wrong. All you can do
is blame. Heaven forbid you actually deal with the problem."
Let's examine what has happened in this example.
First, the main issue (the child's behavior)
is long lost in the maze of blame. Second, blame
has diverted the couple from expressing their feelings of helplessness
that the child seems out of control, fears that their child
will grow up to be irresponsible, and disappointment that they
feel so inadequate. Third, they are now angry
at each other, and saddled with two conflicts instead of one:
Their child's acting out problem, and their own inability to
resolve conflict. It is acceptable and human to have two
or even a multitude of conflicts. However, you will get nowhere
with any of them, unless you deal with one conflict at a time.
Fourth, the child has effectively
split the parents so that they are now working against each
other, effectively ignoring the child. As a consequence, the
child's anxiety raises in the face of the parental discord,
so that now the acting out will, in all probability, escalate.
As the acting out escalates, the couple will again respond with
more blame and frustration, and the cycle will be repeated.
This is not to say that blame is the cause of the
entire scenario, as it is not. But, it is one of the most powerful
negative influences that inhibit the family from dealing with
any problem efficiently and effectively. Blame, then, tends
to facilitate the following negative results:
WHAT BLAME
DOES
1.)Focuses
responsibility on the blamed one, not on the problem.
2.)It
attempts to answer the question: "WHO did "X,"
versus WHAT do we do about it.
3.)Blame implies the desire to punish.
4.)Focusing on blame misses the opportunity to resolve the
conflict.
5.)Assumes there is no responsibility on the BLAMER'S part
6.)Blame prolongs the conflict.
WHAT TO
DO INSTEAD OF BLAMING
1.)Calmly
bring up what the REAL ISSUE seems to be, as you see it.
2.)If you aren't sure what the real issue is, ask the other
to help you determine it. When people feel employed to help
out, there is a much greater tendency toward cooperation,
it feels less threatening, and is often very much appreciated.
3.) When you feel blamed, that doesn't necessarily mean
you are actually BEING blamed, so check it out. Also, express
that you feel blamed, and request that you would
appreciate it if what was said could be said again, in a
way that is easier to hear.
4.) Discuss your own responsibility or role in what has
occurred. This leaves the other not feeling blamed and,
therefore, not defensive. It also focuses on the issue,
not on the other person in a blaming way.
5.) Relay to your partner your rendition of the following:
"I can see we both want to blame each other for this.
For now let's just take one issue at a time, and when we've
solved it (the acting out of the child) we can come back
to what it is we blame each other for, and discuss those
issues one at a time."
If the two
of you feel compelled to ignore the prospect of resolving the
conflict, perhaps for one reason or another (whether within
your awareness or not) the two of you are motivated to keep
the argument alive. If so, blame is the perfect vehicle (although
certainly not the only one) for transporting you on a journey
of endless conflict.
I am often asked by couples in therapy: "But,
what if what I'm blaming him/her for is accurate?" I can
only reply that it does often occur that the placement of blame
is accurate. But, that does not mean that it will necessarily
be helpful in resolving the conflict. However, another option
couples would be wise to consider when they are blamed is to
try accepting it. If you do, you might be surprised at the results:
One, the blaming stops right there with you, and two, you may
then become instantly aware of some of the important elements
of the conflict that need to be addressed. Now the focus is
back on the issue and away from the blame.
Dr. Jim Hutt
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