Of all the endeavors upon which we embark as human beings, marriage ranks as one of the most difficult. We don't even require evidence for proof of such a proclamation. The fact that the divorce rate is 50% or higher in some parts of our country is relevant, but certainly not the last word. For that, one need only talk to married people in order to hear how marriage can be a struggle. Beyond that, just try it, and if you were not convinced prior to marriage how difficult it is, soon after you will be.
These words are not, in any manner or form, meant to denigrate the institution of marriage. Rather, they are put forth in order to beg the question: Since we all know how difficult it is keep a marriage together, let alone live within it in a content, happy and spiritual state, why don't we first, in an organized and formal way, receive counseling, and also seek the wisdom of those with successful, fulfilling marriages who have preceded us?
We take classes to learn how to drive, and we can't even argue with a car, and if we yell at it, it still won't shout back. The schools provide sex education classes which teach us how to MAKE babies, but offer nothing on a mandatory basis that advises how to RAISE them. We seem to think that because our parents were married (or in a lasting non-marital relationship) we, therefore, know how to be married. Our thinking must be askew, as the divorce and domestic violence statistics don't lie. The fact is, no matter where we came from, none of us could write the marital instruction manual before we get married.
At the same time, those about to be wed seldom present for premarital counseling. Why is that? Ironically, those who have one foot in divorce court seem to readily seek marital counseling. In my practice, I consider it about average if I see one or two couples per year who come in specifically because they are getting married. They usually are not even in conflict, per se, but have the awareness that talking about something as big as marriage might just be a good idea. These couples are deeply gratified by their efforts at counseling, and tend to create a profoundly strong foundation for their marriage.

1. Consider that it may provide you both the time to openly discuss issues--like sex, money or in-laws-- difficult subjects in one way or another for all of us to address. And by the way, those three subjects have, even if stereotypical, been labeled the "big three" because any one of them are considered to be associated in one way or another with every divorce.
You may argue that the subject isn't what's difficult to talk about, that in fact the act of talking is the problem because communication is fraught with difficulty. I believe that is true. Counseling is a great venue for improving ones ability to talk another human being, particularly if he is promising the rest of his life with you. Pure and simple, no smoke, no mirrors, no mumbo-jumbo, just a neutral third party to listen and help you get your point across to another person so that you will be understood.
2. Have the two of you ever examined whether or not or how you actually resolve arguments? In other words, what is your method, or process? Does one of you "give in?" Is one of you "always right?" How about this--"We never really finish an argument." I'm willing to bet that 99% of you who are contemplating marriage within the next 6 months, and who lay claim to any one of those 3 "styles" of resolution, have not gone to counseling in order to move from the frustrating and destructive position.
If you "always give in," you are by now (more than likely) carrying around a rather toxic amount of resentment or bitterness, not to mention anger. If you're "always right," no doubt you are probably defensive, (but don't see it even though everyone else does) and behave in an aura of superiority, which of course, leaves your partner feeling rather inferior, impotent and dumb. If the two of you "never finish an argument," then you each are supporting a powerful load of unfinished business.
The big problem with unfinished business is that it's heavy, thick and dense. Its weight will break your spirit, the thickness will cloud your feelings for your mate or partner, and the density will block any attempts at closeness. After awhile, your focus is on the load and not on your love. If you're carrying an anvil on your back, it is unlikely your thoughts will be on anything else. Likewise, if your last argument (or the three or four hundred before it) is on your mind or leaving you feeling heartsick, then your thoughts won't be on much else. Take that to counseling and fix it. It works.
3. Have the two of you determined the role models your respective parents provided, and discussed the implications for each of you? Those of you who refuse to accept the wisdom of that exercise fail to take advantage of history as a teacher. But I'll bet you would be the first to say that you live by the motto "live and learn." Sometimes the lessons we can learn from family of origin are so heavily clothed in confusion they are difficult to see and appreciate. Counseling can help sort those out so that you can make sense out of them. Later on, when your own children come along, you will not pass your confusion on to them.
4. On the more pragmatic side of marriage, how many of you know what property is? Do you know the different kinds of property? And are you aware of what each you considers his or her property? It may sound silly, but property is often the source of many and powerful disagreements and fights. Sometimes an attorney, in addition to a marriage counselor, can provide this portion of premarital counseling. Trust me, it is easier to consult an attorney before marriage than it is afterwards.
5. Does the fact that the two of you have different, if not vastly differing, religious backgrounds raise any red flags? Talk about it. If you find that discussion leads to more conflict than it resolves, don't be afraid to get some help sorting through it.

These are only 5 issues that come to mind, but there are many more. These stand out more than others because couples present these in my office most frequently. In each and every case the couple has either said they wished the issue had been talked about prior to marriage, or, it had been talked about but not resolved due to poor communication skills. Premarital counseling could have helped on both counts.
One concern I have heard voiced by premarital counseling prospects is that they are afraid the counseling may end their relationship. "What if I find out she or he is not the right one?" Fascinating question! My response to that is: "If you were to determine that I was not the right therapist for you, would you quit, and see someone else? Yes, and you weren't even agreeing to see me for the rest of your life! " I can't imagine you would truly wish to find out your partner was the "wrong" one after the wedding, unless you are desperate. If that is the case, you are clearly a candidate for counseling, and so is your prospective mate.
I have heard others express the fear that a counselor is looking to find fault--looking to find something wrong. I don't know where that started, but more than likely with a counselor who did just that. However, the competent therapist is not interested in hurting your relationship. The competent counselors are motivated to find your strengths, build upon them and strengthen them. Ironically, it is through the process of determining your strengths that you, the couple, see the weaknesses rise to the top of the relationship like sweet cream rises to the top of whole milk. One cannot happen without the other.
And why do the weaknesses become apparent? It is natures way of letting us know that we have some alterations to make, and that once we make them we will be healthier and happier.
Generally speaking, the goal of premarital counseling is to draw upon your strengths as individuals and as a couple so that areas in need of bolstering get what they need. When the soil around the blooming flower is dry, we do not throw the plant away, we water it and marvel at its beauty. The same is true of a relationship. When the soils of marriage or courtship are dry, we need to soak them in the waters of love, counseling and wisdom, and then we can marvel at the growth that follows. No relationship, before or during marriage is without its weaknesses and difficulties.
In my opinion, it is time that we all put aside the notion that it is better to deal with our issues "on our own." It's time to let go of the idea that "I'm strong enough, I don't need any help, I can do it by myself." If that is yours, or your partner's position about premarital counseling, perhaps you each need to reevaluate whether or not you actually need each other. After all, isn't the whole idea of having partner based on not wanting to live life "on your own?"

by James P. Hutt, Ph.D. MFCC

See CounselorLetter #6, The Role of Blame In Conflict