People of all ages fall in love--the divorced--the widowed--the teen--young adult, the middle aged, the very old. Most of us know this as a wondrous time in our lives, a time when we feel good all over, all is right in the world. Fortunately, very few remedies titrate such thoughts and feelings except perhaps a small errant dose of reality that seeps in , or maybe a bit of wisdom we carry within our souls produced by age and experience.
Throughout seventeen years practice as a psychotherapist and counselor, I have been told one fact more than any other by the the starry eyed jewels in the crown of a new relationship: "The sex is great!" But make no mistake, I usually hear about it while the romance is young, even if the participants are not. In fact, sex is spoken about as if it were the true benchmark of the ultimate commitment to one another. Conversely, I seldom hear couples explain that they brought sex into their relationship as a consequence of their commitment. It seems the belief is that sex is the gauge by which commitment is measured, so that without sex there is not, in fact could not be, a commitment.
The second comment I have heard most frequently pertaining to new relationships is the complaint about having to wait too long for sex to become part of the relationship. Too long, I am implored to understand, means at most two to four weeks! In no way wanting to shock the reader, two to four weeks is NOT a long period of time. In fact, 25 to 50 weeks is not necessarily a long time either, especially when viewed alongside the length of a lifetime, particularly the lifetime of the children that too often come into a sexually oriented, noncommited relationship.
In my opinion, introducing sex to a relationship too soon is one of the riskiest decisions a couple can make. While I in no way wish to diminish the very real risk of disease, I am, however, here referring to additional equally if not more devastating risks, the sort which wreak havoc on relationships and the souls of its participants. This, in turn, undermines the family, but that is a discussion for another time.
I proceed only after stating that what I profess on this subject is based neither on religious or moral grounds, in spite of the fact that pertinent religious and moral arguments exist. Nor do I believe the introduction of sex to a relationship, no matter how early on, is a "sin" as some believe. Pragmatically speaking, for most it is a mistake, and for many a dreadful, tragic mistake.
It is a mistake because too frequently innocent children are born into the decay of the noncommited relationship . My intent is provide another view in the service of reducing the tragedy, strengthening the relationship and providing all of us, young and old the opportunity to understand if and when to introduce sex into a new a relationship.
The knowledge of the actual risks is provided to few, if any. We are not given a clear explanation accompanying the injunction against "premarital or precommited sex." When we were supplied with the FACTS OF SEX, formally known and presented to us as the FACTS OF LIFE, we were not actually given the facts of life, we were merely told the mechanics of sexual intercourse, gestation and child birth.
The term "facts of life" was, and still is a euphemism that has more to do with sex than life. So, let us examine the effect of sex on our relationship, and therefore, on our life, when introduced before a relationship is ready, i.e., prior to commitment. These are the actual facts of life.
Taught once upon a time, and now as well in various forms, is the notion of "saving" oneself, i.e., not having sex before marriage.Obvious reasons for such behavior rests on the idea of preventing "out-of-wedlock " pregnancy and venereal diseases. With the advent of birth control and general sex education, both pregnancy and disease are preventable. As a result, the former no longer need to be the staples of valid reason.
What is not taught along with the facts of sex are the internal, depth oriented and dynamic reasons for waiting to put sex in our lives. We have not taught our kids what happens within a relationship when sex arrives before commitment. We have only said it isn't good or ok before commitment. We have not explained how a relationship grows when sex is not part of the equation. In fact, I doubt few believe it is even true!
How many of us understand and can explain what we can learn about our partners by keeping sex at a distance prior to commitment? Probably not many. Could you explain to your friends or your kids if you were asked? Probably not.
Often couples participate in exploratory sex, or that which occurs where one of the couple implicitly takes the position that " I don't love you, (even though I say I do) but move in with me, let's live together, we'll have lots of (good?) sex, and if I fall in love with you after awhile, I'll (maybe) marry you."
The other usually agrees out of a sense of insecurity about him or herself, or maybe even out of a sense of duty. He/she may believe, "This is the best I can do, so I better take it while the taking is here." Some people refer to this as the BTN relationship--the "better-than-nothing relationship." Ultimately this type of relationship denigrates both genders, sex and marriage.
It is characterized by one or both of the individuals believing that ultimately no one wants them, they have alot of love to give, they don't believe they deserve much in return, will do anything but say "no," and are poised to have the relationship end at any moment. They appear willing and open, but in reality they are reluctantly compliant and scared.
Why would a man offer the former? Typically because he can, and perhaps because he does not know what love is or how to love a partner. While not realizing it, he typically does not view his partners as people; he views and experiences them as objects. He is afraid to be vulnerable, except sexually, as he is able to control the atmosphere of the relationship through his sexuality. He may find a vulnerable woman who is desperate for a man, any man (because that's what desperation is) toward whom she can be sexual in order to please him. He is most capable of loving from the waist down.
Eventually he loses interest in and respect for her, leaves her or simply refuses to marry her. In this case she will leave feeling dejected and used. Either way, it ends, and the woman feels worse about herself, and more desperate than before. Although he may profess the opposite, the man has reinforced in himself the idea that women are merely objects who are not respectable. Most likely this will all be repeated, again, and again, until one or the other sees their pattern and decides to enter counseling in order to stop it.

WHAT CAN BE GAINED FROM WAITING? WHAT MAKES IT SO POWERFUL?

Waiting lets you know if your partner can put aside his or her own gratification for a greater gain, whatever that might be. Everyone with children knows the necessity of possessing a healthy dose of patience and the ability to wait.
If you are rejected because you wish to wait, better to know it now rather then later when there may be years of marriage and other extenuating circumstances such as: illness, disability, and children. Think, for a moment, what it would be like if for some unforeseen reason you became disabled, could not perform sexually, and your partner was not inclined to wait for your recovery? What if you were not going to recover, and sex was gone from the relationship? If waiting is not in the equation, then there is a very good chance that sex will be found outside of the relationship or marriage.
It lets you see the other's "true colors," if you will. For example, does he or she experience your desire to wait as rejection? Imagine your life with a partner who feels rejected every time you are not inclined to have sex.
Does your partner interpret "waiting" as "never?" If so, he or she may have a problem inaccurately viewing other important issues as absolutes.
Does your partner get angry because you want to wait? Perhaps it is "safer" for him/her to be angry than it is to openly discuss what is so upsetting about waiting. He/she may have difficulty with anger in general. Know this before marriage, not after!
Does he/she try to manipulate you into having sex? This may be attempted by angry outbursts, promises of marriage, inducing guilt, (if you are prone to such a thing,) or trying every angle in the book to convince you to comply. When you think about it, that sounds more like an immature child than an individual ready for a lifelong commitment.
Does he threaten to see other women?--"If I'm not going to get it from you, than I'll just have to get it somewhere else." We might use this when unable to get an item at the grocery store, but it hardly seems appropriate to threaten a loved one that way. But be honest, how many people do we all know who have reported to us they have been told this?
Plenty, I assure you.
Are there attempts to make you feel ashamed? Obviously, this is not a healthy attitude. Chances are, if you are prone to shame, you just might comply. But if you are not, then abide by the courage of your convictions. Remember, there is nothing shameful about living a mature, healthy existence.

All of this tells you a great deal about your partner, and yourself. After all, if you are going to commit to someone, you should know just how selfish and immature he/she is. You also need to know how impressionable and insecure you are. Can you think of a better way that is respectful, healthy and considerate of your feelings and his/hers than waiting to have sex? Certainly it's not the only way, but it is a powerful one. The only thing more powerful than having sex in courtship is NOT having it.
On the other hand, if he/she wants to talk about it and learn more about him/herself in the process, that may be a good sign that you have a mature, loving and healthy human being in your life. If you want to wait purely for concrete physical reasons, is he/she curious about that? Is there a willingness to understand you and your wishes? If not, think twice about your choice of a mate. If you both work toward understanding and trusting each other, waiting will bring you closer together.
When a couple makes a decision to discuss their sexual feelings in the context of their relationship and getting to know one another at the deepest levels, then the stage is set to determine whether or not commitment is possible.


SO, MUST YOU WAIT?
Not necessarily. Then again, this is not about what one MUST do, it is about a powerful opportunity one is may decide to do. But can you think of a good reason not to? Chances are, if the two of you are ready to make a commitment, you already have waited. Moreover, you have probably not confused the facts of life for the facts of sex. At the risk of being redundant: The only thing more powerful than having sex in courtship is NOT having it.

By Dr. Jim Hutt

See CounselorLetter #3, May 1996 Worry & Stress