One way to undercut a relationship is by not managing conflict effectively.

And that will usually occur one of two ways:

Either you are afraid of conflict, and avoid it, or your methods of managing conflict render you more like a bull in a china shop than like a loving partner. Both methods may be due to FEAR of conflict.

But here is how you change that: Redefine fear of conflict as fear of fighting. In other words, conflict and fighting are two separate entities.

Here is exactly how to do that.

First, define conflict as a difference, and view the difference as a neutral entity.

Second, think about what exactly it is you fear–it probably has to do with fighting, and all the bad behavior that historically has been part of how conflict may have been managed in your family of origin, which you now, at times, manifest in your relationship with your partner.

Next, define the problem as fear of fighting. Now you have the opportunity to manage conflict with out fighting.

This is the first step in the process of working your way out of being afraid of conflict.

Let’s take a look at a real life example of this in action:

Your partner calls you a name, or says something that you interpret as a put down. In the past perhaps you “didn’t want to make a fuss,” because he/she might get really angry and loud. In order to avoid “angry and loud,” you said nothing.

Now, however, you’re unwilling to continue to avoid, so you say the following: “Ouch, that comment you just made did not feel very good, and here’s why: I experience it as diminishing. Please tell me again what is is you really want me hear that let’s me truly understand what is bothering you.”

Doing that may feel risky, but the rewards are generally with that risk.

My next video will show the next step to take in becoming more comfortable with conflict, and how to manage it more effectively.

Wishing you a less conflict avoiding relationship,

Jim Hutt, Ph.D., MFT

©2011 CounselorLink.com

All rights reserved

Because we are social animals, and because it feels so good, we all want to get connected, be connected, and stay connected.

But, we often forget, one of the primary reasons for being connected has to do with survival: Without connection, we simply do not survive.

Problem is, it doesn’t seem to be that easy to stay connected.

Why? Glad you asked.

Simple: Survival doesn’t necessarily call for us to feel good about one another in spite of being connected.

It’s only when we add closeness, love, desire, etc., to the mix that things get dicey.

So, let us assume that we are evolved beyond the Alley Oop stage of human development, and that we wish to remain connected to our partner for reasons beyond those of primary survival.

How, on earth do we do that?!

First, you scratch your partner where he/she itches.

In other words, learn from your partner just exactly what it is that he/she wants from you that shows you care. And if you can’t figure it out, ASK DIRECTLY!

Once you know where he/she itches, scratch on that spot! If it seems too hard, or you are not comfortable giving what he/she wants, negotiate! Talk about it! But don’t just refuse without dialog.

Second, lose the defensiveness. Basically, defensiveness simply tells your partner that what he/she has to say is not worth listening to. THAT breaks connection. And besides, just because you get defensive doesn’t mean you will change your partner’s mind.

Just because you feel defensive, doesn’t mean you have to act defensive, set the record straight, or be right.

Setting the record straight, being right and general defensiveness all break connection.

Third, be curious about your partner’s experience. Just because YOU think he/she should not be having the experience they are having doesn’t mean you are right.

Instead of being right, ask him/her for more info about their experience. That sends the message that your partner is important to you. That maintains connection!

Once again, keeping the strong connection you have worked so hard to create means:

1.) Scratch your partner where he/she itches;

2.) Reduce your defensive responses

3.) When your partner is having an emotional experience, ask questions–get curious.

These are 3 powerful ways to maintain connection. Take a risk–try them all.

I am Dr. Jim Hutt, from CounselorLink.com, wishing you a satisfying connection!
©2011CounselorLink.com & Jim Hutt, Ph.D. MFT

All rights reserved

1.  Find a pen or pencil and some paper so you can take some notes.

2.  Click on the video below, and watch the video, by Dr. Mark Goulston.
Not only will you find it well worth your time, it may very well change your life and your relationship.

3.  Take notes.

4.  Watch the video below with your partner when ready.

Dr. Goulston, in my opinion, has hit the nail on the head with this very astute video, which details his method of recovery.

Learn the “Four H’s,” and the Four R’s.”  See a therapist if you need some help sorting it out.

Wishing you a satisfying relationship,

Jim Hutt, Ph.D., MFT
©2011 CounselorLink.com

All rights reserved

In my practice, I see so many couples who say they are seeking help

for improving their communication skills. They work so hard adding to their

communication tool belt, but typically feel disappointed that their

relationships don’t seem to improve consistent with the number of communication

techniques they’ve acquired.

Well, that’s because there is so much more than at play than communication skills, per se.

For example, the next time you and your partner tell each other you want to

improve your communication, rather than adding a new skill, link communication

to  integrity.

What does that mean?  It means being honest about what you feel,

and taking responsibility for reducing your own emotional

reactivity instead of blaming your partner for it when you’re in conflict.

If you take the stance…”why should I have to change?  He/She is the

one with the problem,”  then youare not taking responsibility for yourself.

Only you can change you, and only your partner can change your partner.  So, improving your

communication starts with changing your thinking about relationships in general,

and changing your thinking about  how you communicate under stress in particular.

Consider this:  relationships are actually about  2 limbic systems,

or two emotional brains, trying to get along.

Your emotions play a crucial role in your attempts to communicate effectively.

If you don’t keep reactivity at an acceptable level,  the point you so want to make will

probably get lost in an uproar.

After all, the emotional or limbic brain, will  almost always take priority over the

logical brain, the pre-frontal cortex. When the emotional brain is

activated, it wants one thing:  RELIEF. that’s just the way we are all wired.

And most of us will do just about anything to get that relief.  And that’s when the going gets rough.

So, the idea of better communication is not about using the so-called “I” statements.

It’s about living with the integrity to take responsibility for your emotional states, and effectively taking charge of

finding relief without demanding your partner makes a change in order for you to feel better.

How do you do that?

First, acknowledge that you’re feeling activated, rather than acting it out.

For example, instead of calling your partner a name, instead express feeling angry, or frustrated,

or what ever it is you are feeling.

Second, rather than blaming your partner for what you feel, try using  the following

formula:

When you do “A” in situation “B” I feel “C,”  and that then I (insert behavior) “D.”

Here’s what it sounds like:

“Honey, when you (A) interrupted me in (B) our discussion, I (C) felt frustrated and irritated,  and I (D) shutdown.”

Third, as a listener let your integrity and credibility show. In response to the above, find some truth in

your partner’s complaint, and offer the following:

“You’re right, sometimes I do interrupt you, and I know it leaves you feeling mad and frustrated, and then you shut down.

In fact, sometimesI feel that way too. I am sorry.”

That, my friends, is how integrity and communication are linked.

Try linking them, and I trust both of you will be pleasantly gratified by the results.

Jim Hutt, Ph.D., MFT, ©2010

CounselorLink.com

Wishing you a satisfying relationship.

We all know such a command seldom, if ever works.  For more understanding on what controlling behavior is really about, and how to deal with it more effectively, click the video below.

Click on the video below.

Check out the video below, and you will be a step closer to well disciplined kids who will make better decisions.