In my practice, I see so many couples who say they are seeking help

for improving their communication skills. They work so hard adding to their

communication tool belt, but typically feel disappointed that their

relationships don’t seem to improve consistent with the number of communication

techniques they’ve acquired.

Well, that’s because there is so much more than at play than communication skills, per se.

For example, the next time you and your partner tell each other you want to

improve your communication, rather than adding a new skill, link communication

to  integrity.

What does that mean?  It means being honest about what you feel,

and taking responsibility for reducing your own emotional

reactivity instead of blaming your partner for it when you’re in conflict.

If you take the stance…”why should I have to change?  He/She is the

one with the problem,”  then youare not taking responsibility for yourself.

Only you can change you, and only your partner can change your partner.  So, improving your

communication starts with changing your thinking about relationships in general,

and changing your thinking about  how you communicate under stress in particular.

Consider this:  relationships are actually about  2 limbic systems,

or two emotional brains, trying to get along.

Your emotions play a crucial role in your attempts to communicate effectively.

If you don’t keep reactivity at an acceptable level,  the point you so want to make will

probably get lost in an uproar.

After all, the emotional or limbic brain, will  almost always take priority over the

logical brain, the pre-frontal cortex. When the emotional brain is

activated, it wants one thing:  RELIEF. that’s just the way we are all wired.

And most of us will do just about anything to get that relief.  And that’s when the going gets rough.

So, the idea of better communication is not about using the so-called “I” statements.

It’s about living with the integrity to take responsibility for your emotional states, and effectively taking charge of

finding relief without demanding your partner makes a change in order for you to feel better.

How do you do that?

First, acknowledge that you’re feeling activated, rather than acting it out.

For example, instead of calling your partner a name, instead express feeling angry, or frustrated,

or what ever it is you are feeling.

Second, rather than blaming your partner for what you feel, try using  the following

formula:

When you do “A” in situation “B” I feel “C,”  and that then I (insert behavior) “D.”

Here’s what it sounds like:

“Honey, when you (A) interrupted me in (B) our discussion, I (C) felt frustrated and irritated,  and I (D) shutdown.”

Third, as a listener let your integrity and credibility show. In response to the above, find some truth in

your partner’s complaint, and offer the following:

“You’re right, sometimes I do interrupt you, and I know it leaves you feeling mad and frustrated, and then you shut down.

In fact, sometimesI feel that way too. I am sorry.”

That, my friends, is how integrity and communication are linked.

Try linking them, and I trust both of you will be pleasantly gratified by the results.

Jim Hutt, Ph.D., MFT, ©2010

CounselorLink.com

Wishing you a satisfying relationship.

“The Monogamy Myth”, by Peggy Vaughan

Brian & Anne Bercht’s Infidelity Recovery Workshops

In this issue of CounselorLetter I want to focus on one particular aspect of recovering from an affair: punishing the offending partner.
I am frequently asked: “How long is this pain going to last!?”
That’s impossible to answer, but I can give you one way to shorten the life span of your pain, and perhaps shorten the recovery process: If you’re punishing your partner, stop. Why? Because punishment can slow the recovery process, thereby extending the pain you are working so hard to reduce.

Frequently in my office the injured party will tell their partner, “I want you to hurt for as long as possible, just like I do, so you’re just going to have to take this punishment and deal with it!” And the punishment begins, in a wide variety of forms which, in the end, prolong the injured party’s pain. In the early stages of recovery dishing out punishment seems to provide the injured party SOME semblance of control after feeling profoundly powerless, helpless, deeply wounded and out of control.

However, punishment has some downsides: It can lead to bitterness in one or both of you. Bitterness is swallowing a poison pill hoping the other party will die.

Second, it delays recovery due to the need for more repair. Punishment causes additional pain to a relationship already suffering an several levels. More pain means more recovery work. More
recovery work takes more time. Inflicting emotional pain in someone else seldom leads to relief from our own pain because our brains are simply not wired to do that.

Punishing the offending partner means the injured party is working at cross purposes, and here is what that looks like: Part of you wants to stop feeling so terrible and get your life back, perhaps save the relationship, or try to figure out whether or not the relationship even CAN be saved. Another part of you wants your partner to suffer, so you punish. But, punishing your partner, although understandable, only adds MORE pain to the relationship. The pain you feel as a result of the affair is real, it’s deep, and it’s pervasive. Adding pain to one side of the relationship while simultaneously trying to reduce it on the other side of the relationship simply will not work. It is impossible to repair something that is simultaneously being damaged.

Try these alternatives to punishing your partner:
First, realize that your desire to punish is normal, but it’s the consequence of your own pain.

Second, understand that purposely causing pain for pains sake in your partner will not relieve your pain in the long run, even if it seems to provide a short-lived sense of satisfaction.

Third, talk with your partner in detail about YOUR PAIN! Expressing your pain gives you a greater likelihood of being heard and understood. It also provides an opportunity for your partner to experience their own pain derived from losing your TRUST, damaging their CREDIBILITY, and losing their INTEGRITY, not to mention the realization that the relationship is in jeopardy. Punishment may divert them from facing those all-important issues.

Fourth, remember, bitterness and punishment are damaging.

So think about it. If punishing the offending party must play a role, try to make it short lived & limited. For when it persists, bitterness may take over, individual and couple repair is stalled, and your pain and recovery will be prolonged.

Recovery from an affair for many couples is a long, arduous process, but if the punishment stops, you can shorten the recovery process. If need be, find a good counselor to help out.

How do you find a counselor who has an understanding of infidelity recovery? Ask if they have read Peggy Vaughan’s book   The Monogamy Myth. If not, look until you find a counselor who has. And if you haven’t read it, do so now.

If you and your partner really want to do yourselves a favor, attend one of Brian and Anne Bercht’s workshops for couples recovering from an affair.

Limit the punishment, reduce your pain, shorten the recovery process.

This is Dr. Jim Hutt wishing you a satisfying recovery and a return to trust.

©2010 Jim Hutt Ph.D. all rights reserved.

We all know such a command seldom, if ever works.  For more understanding on what controlling behavior is really about, and how to deal with it more effectively, click the thumbnail below.

Click on thumbnail.

The video here will show you the link between the two.

Check out the video below, and you will be a step closer to well disciplined kids who will make better decisions.