In my practice, I see so many couples who say they are seeking help

for improving their communication skills. They work so hard adding to their

communication tool belt, but typically feel disappointed that their

relationships don’t seem to improve consistent with the number of communication

techniques they’ve acquired.

Well, that’s because there is so much more than at play than communication skills, per se.

For example, the next time you and your partner tell each other you want to

improve your communication, rather than adding a new skill, link communication

to  integrity.

What does that mean?  It means being honest about what you feel,

and taking responsibility for reducing your own emotional

reactivity instead of blaming your partner for it when you’re in conflict.

If you take the stance…”why should I have to change?  He/She is the

one with the problem,”  then youare not taking responsibility for yourself.

Only you can change you, and only your partner can change your partner.  So, improving your

communication starts with changing your thinking about relationships in general,

and changing your thinking about  how you communicate under stress in particular.

Consider this:  relationships are actually about  2 limbic systems,

or two emotional brains, trying to get along.

Your emotions play a crucial role in your attempts to communicate effectively.

If you don’t keep reactivity at an acceptable level,  the point you so want to make will

probably get lost in an uproar.

After all, the emotional or limbic brain, will  almost always take priority over the

logical brain, the pre-frontal cortex. When the emotional brain is

activated, it wants one thing:  RELIEF. that’s just the way we are all wired.

And most of us will do just about anything to get that relief.  And that’s when the going gets rough.

So, the idea of better communication is not about using the so-called “I” statements.

It’s about living with the integrity to take responsibility for your emotional states, and effectively taking charge of

finding relief without demanding your partner makes a change in order for you to feel better.

How do you do that?

First, acknowledge that you’re feeling activated, rather than acting it out.

For example, instead of calling your partner a name, instead express feeling angry, or frustrated,

or what ever it is you are feeling.

Second, rather than blaming your partner for what you feel, try using  the following

formula:

When you do “A” in situation “B” I feel “C,”  and that then I (insert behavior) “D.”

Here’s what it sounds like:

“Honey, when you (A) interrupted me in (B) our discussion, I (C) felt frustrated and irritated,  and I (D) shutdown.”

Third, as a listener let your integrity and credibility show. In response to the above, find some truth in

your partner’s complaint, and offer the following:

“You’re right, sometimes I do interrupt you, and I know it leaves you feeling mad and frustrated, and then you shut down.

In fact, sometimesI feel that way too. I am sorry.”

That, my friends, is how integrity and communication are linked.

Try linking them, and I trust both of you will be pleasantly gratified by the results.

Jim Hutt, Ph.D., MFT, ©2010

CounselorLink.com

Wishing you a satisfying relationship.

Alright, so here’s a simple idea, with big implications.  By the way, this idea came to me by way of my friend and colleague, Dr Peter Pearson, co-founder along with Dr. Ellyn Bader, of the Couples Institute in Menlo Park, CA.
Alright, so here’s the deal:

You can thrive together as a couple, or you can suffer alone as individuals.

This does not mean giving up your  individuality.  In fact, it means just the opposite:  It means enjoying the responsibility for the fact you ARE a separate person, with your own emotional, behavior and intellectual parts. Focus your attention on yourself, instead of your partner when you want to break patterns that create and reinforce distance between the two of you.

But here’s the catch–this is easier said than done.  Why?

Because we are taught throughout our lives that the source of our difficulties is someone other than ourselves.

As a result, most of us enter our significant relationships believing that if our significant other would change,  we would be happier.

There’s more than a bit of irony in all of this:  If both of you are finger pointing, hoping the other will change, or trying to force  or demand the other  change, why not simplify things:   Point the finger at yourself, and you will probably see the same stuff your partner has been complaining about!

Plus, you’ll cut the workload by about 50%.

Take charge of altering your own behavior, managing your own feelings, and adjusting your own thinking.

Why?  Because it works!  And it works because the only person of the couple you can change is YOU!

Most of you have probably noticed  the defensiveness, frustration and anger both you and your partner experience.  Well,  now you know why.

So, here’s some tips on how you can turn this around:

1.  Discuss and describe the pattern(s) you see that are driving you nuts.

2. Take a risk to admit the role you play in keeping the pattern alive.

3. Next, describe for each other the new pattern you want to create.

4.   Share with each other the  specific personal difficulties each of you may encounter in the process of creating your new pattern of interaction.

5.  Cut each other some slack along the way–reward progress with recognition, and be empathic toward the other during moments of regression.

Remember, a little empathy goes a long way.

These five steps exemplify what couples do when they work together toward strengthening their connection.
Change always involves risk–the risk that there will be little backslides along the way.
After all, change is not easy, or you would have done it long ago.

Try this–I think you will like it.

Wishing you a satisfying relationship,

Jim Hutt, Ph.D., MFT

©2010  All rights reserved Jim Hutt, Ph.D., MFT  & CounselorLink.com

Jim Hutt, Ph.D.

What would you think if I told you there is no place in a healthy relationship for expectations? Well, that’s exactly what I’m telling you.

You may, or may not, have heard the adage that goes like this: an expectation is a resentment under construction. And here’s why there is more truth in that than you may realize.

First of all, expectations provide only binary results: you either meet it, or you don’t. And sometimes, expectations aren’t even verbalized or made explicit.

And we all know that mind reading typically doesn’t work.

Second, an expectation, when made verbal, is often heard as a demand. Demands frequently meet resistance, particularly if we grew up with demanding and un-empathic parents.

Third, an expectation, particularly when it truly is a demand, leaves little room for negotiation, and lots of room for defensiveness, frustration and disappointment.

Any of those three elements reduce the odds of getting your expectation met, and increase the odds of

resentment taking its place.

So, what is a better way to conduct the business if getting what we want? Great question!

Well, here’s the answer: First, slightly alter your thinking, that is, switch from expectation to desire.

Second, state your desire to your partner. Here is an example of each:

First, the expectation:

“I don’t see why you have to work so late. What’s the point in being together if I can’t even expect more time with you in the evening after work?!

You need to get home earlier!”

I’m sure you can imagine many of the less than positive responses you might get from that.

Conversely, a desire often leads to a positive result, has a distinctly different quality.

Here is a spoken desire:

“I’m sad and frustrated that we don’t have more time in the evening after work. I know your work is important to both of us for several reasons, and so is our time together. So, I want to talk about how we might manage our time, because I’m sure there’s a way for both of us to get what we want.”

Now, you’ve demanded nothing, made a reasonable, clear request in an assertive manner, and even been empathic toward your partner about how hard she/he works. Furthermore, you’ve directly said what you want, and made it clear you’re including your partner in the resolution process. Sweet!

This has all set the tone for a very positive negotiation, no one is being blamed for doing anything wrong, and the stage is set for a collaboration that will significantly lower the odds of having a fight, reduced defensiveness, and given each of you an opportunity to be heard and understood.

And all because you decided to let go of expectations, and instead, let your desires be known.

We all will have ongoing desires in our relationships for years to come. Don’t convert them to expectations; express them directly as desires–you’ll both be happier because you’ll get what you want more often than not.

©Jim Hutt, 2010 Ph.D, and CounselorLink.com. all rights reserved

If the most difficult words to hear are “you’ve got cancer,” the next most jolting sentence might be “I’ve been having an affair.” Your head spins,  emotions may erupt, your emotional earth has essentially been forever shifted on its axis.  Dreams are shattered, the partner or spouse you thought you knew is now a stranger, and the wound you feel is so deep like you’ll bleed forever.  The betrayal seems unfathomable, the hurt indescribable, and the marital ship now navigates without a rudder.

In this altered reality, this bad dream from which you can only hope you’ll awaken, the feelings of devastation are palpable, the doubt ever-present, and need for relief genuinely intense, it is very difficult to know just what to do.  You may or may not tell your friends and family, and when and if you do, for every three people in whom you confide you are granted four opinions, some conflicting.

This is a particularly delicate moment in what now marks the beginning of the recovery process from an infidelity for both you and the offending/injuring partner.  It’s delicate for several reasons,  but I’m only going to discuss one of them in this article, and it is this:  Make no decisions about the relationship at this stage of infidelity recovery.

Here is what that means:

1.  You will be told by some to leave the relationship and get a divorce;

2.  You will be told to stay and work it out;

3.  You may be told to punish him/her;

4.  You may be thinking, or have been told, to have your own affair;

For now, simply stay put.  Calling a family law attorney and beginning the divorce process before the dust has settled from this domestic explosion often ends up heaping another regret on top of the current one.  Remember:  making no decision about the disposition of the marriage AT THIS STAGE does not mean you have decided to never leave.

Why am I advising no decisions about those important matters in particular?  Because you are highly emotionally activated.  Without going in to great detail here (because you can see more detail in my previous article), the reason is because emotional reactivity prevents or inhibits logical, thoughtful thinking.  Therefore, if you are not thinking  logically and thoughtfully, the odds of making a decision might later regret skyrocket.

Yes,  you probably said to yourself and your partner an affair was “a deal breaker,”  as if it was written in stone.  However, some people find themselves re-evaluating carved-in-stone positions for a variety of reasons.  If you re-evaluate and still decide it’s a deal breaker over time, then fine.  There is no implied or explicit moral imperative about divorce in this message whatsoever.

But you’re in pain, lots of pain, and you want relief.  The limbic brain will do almost anything to get that relief because that’s the way it’s wired.  Sometimes the avenue of relief we choose ends up causing more pain, unintended pain.  While there may be an immediate reduction in pain, it also may be short lived.  You don’t need that. Instead, you need to create a solid, long lasting relief you can trust.  Right now, trusting yourself is important, as trust in general has taken a huge hit. However, bad decisions tend to increase doubt in ourselves, and reduce trust in our ability go forward and be happy again.

There are many other ways to relieve some of the initial pain of your partner/spouse’s affair,  and you can find them if you have a skilled professional help you.  Otherwise, let the dust settle, and read Peggy Vaughan’s book, The Monogamy Myth, which you will find very helpful, before you make a life changing decision.  Regain your emotional equilibrium before you make any major decisions.

In addition, you also might consider attending Brian and Ann Bercht’s workshops for people in the earlier stages of infidelity recovery.

© 2009 Jim Hutt, Ph.D., MFT & CounselorLink.com

Fatherless Children Due To Divorce

One of the saddest parts of working with families of divorce is the tragedy of fathers who have lost access to their children.  Failed access has severe consequences on both father and children.

In this article I will not address the many reasons for the lack of access, as that is an extremely complicated issue, fraught with political, social and legal influences.  Nor am I intending blame on either gender.

For now, however, I want to provide some very valid statistics on the subject for the purposes of opening our eyes. We all need to see what is happening, and begin to deal with it realistically and directly.

Each statistic has a number after it which is the reference number indicating the citation at the end of this article that directly applies to the particular finding.  Feel free to check it out.

©2010 Jim Hutt, Ph.D. and CounselorLink.com, all rights reserved

Children from fatherless homes account for:

63% of youth suicides 1

70% of juveniles in state-operated facilities come from fatherless homes 3

71% of pregnant teenagers 2

71% of all high school dropouts 6

75% of all adolescent patients in chemical abuse centers 7

80% of rapists motivated with displaced anger 5

85% of all children that exhibit behavioral disorders 4

85% of all youths sitting in prisons 8

90% of all homeless and runaway children

You might think a “loving mother” would want to protect her child and keep him from becoming one of the above statistics, but in most cases you would be wrong.

[Some] Mothers are exposing children to the above risks:

Angry mothers sabotage a father’s efforts to visit their children 9

Few children are satisfied with the amount of contact with their fathers 10

The mother was the greatest obstacle to having more frequent contact with the children 11

37.9% of fathers have no access/visitation rights 12

40% of mothers reported that they had interfered with the non-custodialfather’s visitation on at least one occasion, to punish the ex-spouse. 13

50% of mothers “see no value in the father`s continued contact with his

children….” 14

70% of fathers felt that they had too little time with their children 15

77% of non-custodial fathers are NOT able to “visit” their children, as ordered by the court, as a result of visitation interference by the mother. 16

89% of mothers don’t value their husband’s input when it comes to handling

problems with their kids 17

Non-compliance with court ordered visitation is 300% more common than noncompliance with court ordered child support and impacts the children of divorce even more. 18

Citations
1 US Dept. of Health & Human Services, Bureau of the Census

2 US Dept. of Health & Human Services

3 U.S. Dept. of Justice, Special Report, Sept 1988

4 Center for Disease Control

5 Criminal Justice & Behavior, Vol. 14, p. 403-26, 1978

6 National Principals Association Report on the State of High Schools

7 Rainbows for all God`s Children)

8 Fulton Co. Georgia jail populations, Texas Dept. of Corrections 1992

9 Ahrons and Miller, Am. Journal of Orthopsychiatry, Vol. 63. p. 442, July

1993

10 Visitation and the Noncustodial Father, Koch & Lowery, Journal of Divorce and Remarriage, Vol. 8, No. 2, p. 50, Winter 1984

11 Increasing our understanding of fathers who have infrequent contact with their children, James Dudley, Family Relations, Vol. 4, p. 281, July 1991

12 p.6, col.II, para. 6, lines 4 & 5, Census Bureau P-60, #173, Sept 1991

13 p. 449, col. II, lines 3-6, (citing Fulton) Frequency of visitation by Divorced Fathers; Differences in Reports by Fathers and Mothers. Sanford Braver et al, Am. J. of Orthopsychiatry, 1991

14 Surviving the Breakup, Joan Kelly & Judith Wallerstein, p. 125

15 Visitation and the Noncustodial Father, Mary Ann Kock & Carol

owery, Journal of Divorce, Vol. 8, No. 2, p. 54, Winter 1984

16 Visitational Interference – A National Study” by Ms. J Annette Vanini, M.S.W. and Edward Nichols, M.S.W. Originally published Sept. 1992

17 EDK Associates survey of 500 women for Redbook Magazine. Redbook,

November 1994, p. 36

18 Visitational Interference – A National Study” by Ms. J Annette Vanini, M.S.W. and Edward Nichols, M.S.W. Originally published Sept. 1992

Sounds strange, I know, but it can set the stage in a completely different way that has a positive impact on your mindset going in to the conversation.  The mindset of listening.  It also sends the message that someone wants to be heard, doesn’t necessarily want or need any solutions at the moment, and wants to connect via being understood.

At the same time, the talker is not in the position to lecture the listener.  Instead, the talker takes the stance of talking about her or himself.  Why?  It raises the odds of being understood.  And, if you’re talking about yourself you tend avoid blaming, name calling, accusing,  and motive attribution, the usual suspects which run the risk of killing a productive conversation.

But what about the listener–what makes a good one?  Effective listeners tend to possess the following traits:  They are curious, they ask non-leading questions, they recap the gist of what they heard, and check it out to see if they got what the speaker was trying to transmit, they do not interrupt.  Perhaps most important, effective listeners work overtime at not letting their emotional reactivity get in the way.

Here are some tips on keeping reactivity low, some of which I am borrowing from master relationship communicator Warren Farrell.

1.  As a listener, imagine the speaker as if viewed on a TV or movie screen.  You go to the movies to watch and learn, and probably don’t let your ego and feelings get in the way of receiving the message of the movie.  Do the same with your partner–go to the show, so to speak, with the intent to receive the message.  Apply this same idea when listening to your partner. (One difference: don’t just walk out if you don’t like what you hear.)

2.  Let the speaker keep their energy on their side of the street.  If the speaker seems emotionally spun up, OK, let him/her be spun up.  The speaker’s emotional stuff is ultimately not about you, and therefore does not have to be contagious to you.  You’ll know you’re not leaving their energy on their side of the street when:  as a listener you interrupt, argue, attack, name call, blame, etc.  You get the picture.

3.  Give the speaker the benefit of the doubt regarding their intentions.  Chances are, the speaker is coming from a loving place,  wanting to improve the relationship, and the connection to you, the listener.  Believing that the speaker has the best intent leaves you thinking and feeling more positive.

4.  As a listener, know with certainty that each of you cares about the other.  It may be difficult, but try to realize as you listen to your partner that there have been many, and will be more, instances when you, as a listener will want to heard when it is your turn to talk.  This is more than ‘turnabout is fair play.’  This is loving reciprocity. When your partner listens to you, she/he listen because they care.  When you listen, it is because you care. Underscore in your own thinking the certainty that you each care about the other.

5.  A good listener asks questions until the speaker has completed their story.

6.  If time and energy are in adequate supply, you may each now reverse roles.  If not, pick a time when you can.

A productive conversation is more reliant on effective listening than on effective talking.  Hard to believe, perhaps, yet tends to be the case.  Fact is, most of us have grown up in family milieus that taught us to talk, but did not teach us how to listen.  Added to that, we were told to listen by those who themselves did not know how to listen.  It is a powerful double bind to have something demanded of us that we have not been taught to deliver.  Later on in our adult partner relationships we end up stumped.  Now you know why.

When the next issue arises, have a good listen!

Wishing you a satisfying relationship,

Jim Hutt, Ph.D., MFT

©2010 CounselorLink and Jim Hutt, Ph.D., MFT all rights reserved

“The Monogamy Myth”, by Peggy Vaughan

Brian & Anne Bercht’s Infidelity Recovery Workshops

In this issue of CounselorLetter I want to focus on one particular aspect of recovering from an affair: punishing the offending partner.
I am frequently asked: “How long is this pain going to last!?”
That’s impossible to answer, but I can give you one way to shorten the life span of your pain, and perhaps shorten the recovery process: If you’re punishing your partner, stop. Why? Because punishment can slow the recovery process, thereby extending the pain you are working so hard to reduce.

Frequently in my office the injured party will tell their partner, “I want you to hurt for as long as possible, just like I do, so you’re just going to have to take this punishment and deal with it!” And the punishment begins, in a wide variety of forms which, in the end, prolong the injured party’s pain. In the early stages of recovery dishing out punishment seems to provide the injured party SOME semblance of control after feeling profoundly powerless, helpless, deeply wounded and out of control.

However, punishment has some downsides: It can lead to bitterness in one or both of you. Bitterness is swallowing a poison pill hoping the other party will die.

Second, it delays recovery due to the need for more repair. Punishment causes additional pain to a relationship already suffering an several levels. More pain means more recovery work. More
recovery work takes more time. Inflicting emotional pain in someone else seldom leads to relief from our own pain because our brains are simply not wired to do that.

Punishing the offending partner means the injured party is working at cross purposes, and here is what that looks like: Part of you wants to stop feeling so terrible and get your life back, perhaps save the relationship, or try to figure out whether or not the relationship even CAN be saved. Another part of you wants your partner to suffer, so you punish. But, punishing your partner, although understandable, only adds MORE pain to the relationship. The pain you feel as a result of the affair is real, it’s deep, and it’s pervasive. Adding pain to one side of the relationship while simultaneously trying to reduce it on the other side of the relationship simply will not work. It is impossible to repair something that is simultaneously being damaged.

Try these alternatives to punishing your partner:
First, realize that your desire to punish is normal, but it’s the consequence of your own pain.

Second, understand that purposely causing pain for pains sake in your partner will not relieve your pain in the long run, even if it seems to provide a short-lived sense of satisfaction.

Third, talk with your partner in detail about YOUR PAIN! Expressing your pain gives you a greater likelihood of being heard and understood. It also provides an opportunity for your partner to experience their own pain derived from losing your TRUST, damaging their CREDIBILITY, and losing their INTEGRITY, not to mention the realization that the relationship is in jeopardy. Punishment may divert them from facing those all-important issues.

Fourth, remember, bitterness and punishment are damaging.

So think about it. If punishing the offending party must play a role, try to make it short lived & limited. For when it persists, bitterness may take over, individual and couple repair is stalled, and your pain and recovery will be prolonged.

Recovery from an affair for many couples is a long, arduous process, but if the punishment stops, you can shorten the recovery process. If need be, find a good counselor to help out.

How do you find a counselor who has an understanding of infidelity recovery? Ask if they have read Peggy Vaughan’s book   The Monogamy Myth. If not, look until you find a counselor who has. And if you haven’t read it, do so now.

If you and your partner really want to do yourselves a favor, attend one of Brian and Anne Bercht’s workshops for couples recovering from an affair.

Limit the punishment, reduce your pain, shorten the recovery process.

This is Dr. Jim Hutt wishing you a satisfying recovery and a return to trust.

©2010 Jim Hutt Ph.D. all rights reserved.

Do you ever wish your partner could read your mind? What I mean is, have your partner anticipate your desire so that you don’t have to ask for whatever it is you want?

Well, for sure, NOT having your mind read has been a source of conflict for many couples. But, here’s the rub: You may not get what you want if you don’t ask, because your partner cannot read your mind! Many of you tell me, while sitting in my office, irate at your allegedly insensitive partner, “But, if I have to ask, it doesn’t mean as much.”

That’s truly unfortunate. And besides, whatever happened to old adage that the power of the gift is in the giving? When did it change to the power of a gift is in the guessing and getting it right? If you refuse to ask because you think it means less, you the risk building a gap between the two of you in three ways:

First, you prevent your partner from giving to you, when he or she may be very willing to meet your request or desire, if you would only ask.

Second, you’re telling partner you are willing to receive, but only if it’s on your terms. You partner is likely to experience that as being selfish.

Third, your desire to be anticipated becomes more important than what you wanted in the first place.

Why does the mind-reading phenomenon play such an important role? Consider this:

To begin with, it partly goes back to courtship when, indeed, there probably was a fair amount of mutual anticipation and meeting of each others desires. Naturally, we would ALL love to have a blissful courtship continue endlessly, but it’s not realistic for a number of reasons I won’t go in to now.

Also, in courtship you probably experienced your desires endlessly gratified, some by request, but many without request. After awhile, when you think your partner knows you well, you then believe you need not ask for what you want—your partner should “just know.”

And consider this: The continuous desire for anticipated gratification is a way to feel now, long after the courtship, the same way you felt during courtship. Again, unrealistic, even if understandable.

Furthermore, some people don’t want to ask for what they want because they fear they might hear the dreaded word “no.” Rather than face the prospect of disappointment, they shoot themselves in the foot by not letting their desire be known. And, when they don’t get what they want because they did not ask, they blame their partner.

Finally, part of this goes back to the family of origin. If you experienced chronic disappointment connected to not having basic needs tended to as a kid, there is a chance you will easily feel disappointment when you magically wish for something you are to afraid to ask for, and don’t get it.

So, both courtship, and early familial experiences play a role in this interesting issue that many couples face at one time or another.

Your partner does his/her best to anticipate you, and is also willing to give when you ask. Appreciate that, and reciprocate. Tell yourself that you ‘get’ to ask, not that you ‘have’ to ask. When you get what you want, show your appreciation of your partner for listening, hearing, and showing up. After all, he or she fundamentally cares for, and loves, you.

©Copyright 2009 by Jim Hutt, Ph.D.

First Things First–A Nano View of the Three Brains:

The Reptilian Brain is the brain responsible for keeping us alive without having to think about it. It manages body temperature, pulse, respiration, heart rate, blood pressure, and many other autonomic functions.

The limbic system, or mammalian brain, is informally referred to as the three “F” brain—fight, flight, and sex (you get my point). It is the center of all emotions, and contains all the pleasure, pain, and addiction centers. This brain, however, is the culprit that gets in the way of managing conflict. The limbic brain is what allows us to react without having to think.

It’s how we automatically snatch our finger away from a hot burner without first having to determine whether or not we are at a barbeque. It’s a survival mechanism, and is responsible for the bulk of our reactivity. More on that later.

The third brain, the cortex, the largest of the three brains, occupies the space just beneath the skull. The prefrontal cortex, a portion of the larger cortex system, often referred to as the CEO of the brain, evolved from the limbic brain.

The pre-frontal cortex portion of our grey matter is responsible for deductions, reductions, decision making, thinking, abstracting, etc. Located right behind the forehead, this part of the brain is crucial for effective conflict management, as it is the part we literally think with.

The three brains do much more than I have outlined, but for our purposes here, this is all you need to know for now.

Now back to the limbic brain. This brain operates within us like a scanning dish—it is always on the lookout for danger. It stores and records every experience we have ever had. In a sense, it also rates our experiences. In other words, an intense past experience may trigger an intense reaction in a similar contemporary experience.

How the Limbic System Works and Why it Matters:

The limbic system senses danger—that’s its job. When danger is perceived or sensed, a particular part of the limbic system relays a signal to the adrenal glands to send adrenaline to the prefrontal cortex. Why? Because then the adrenaline shuts down the pre-frontal cortex, thereby inhibiting it from thinking. The body is further readied for action, which will generally result in one of two alternatives: standing ground and fighting or taking flight. In some situations, an individual may freeze.

One way to understand the relationship between the limbic brain and the prefrontal cortex is by way of ratio: the degree of limbic activity is usually inversely proportional to prefrontal activity. The more reactive (limbic) we are, the less we are in thinking (pre-frontal cortex) mode, and vice versa.

Therein lies the problem with regard to managing conflict: the limbic brain’s job is to be in opposition to the pre-frontal cortex’s job. Given that our brains are built to be at odds with each other makes trying to operate under stressful conditions and managing conflict understandably and predictably difficult! It often results in you, or your partner, saying or doing something inappropriate in a knee-jerk fashion.

The Limbic Brain and Managing Conflict:

Think of the last conflict you and your partner had that did not go well. What the conflict was about doesn’t matter for our purposes here, but how you conducted yourself matters a lot. Your discussion probably started off on a reasonably good note, but maybe it degenerated in to a mess. One or both of you yelled, got over-the-top-angry, maybe left the room, or said some things you would take back if you could, or accused, blamed, or called each other names. The list of ineffective behaviors is long.

Those ineffective tactics may be motivated by fear, or any feeling you find too painful to tolerate. The limbic brain will do its job to protect you in those instances. The resultant ineffective behaviors ultimately push your partner away in an attempt to reduce or eliminate the undesirable emotion. But, the conflict has not been resolved, it’s still there, ready to rear its ugly head in the future, actively or passively.

Couples frequently tell me, and each other, that they would have been more effective “if only he/she would not have…” Fill in your own blank here with whatever button of yours got pushed. The problem is, blaming your partner for your ineffective/reactive behavior makes your partner responsible for it, but your partner can’t change your behavior—only you can do that. Regardless of who pushed your buttons, when you take responsibility for your own ineffective behavior, you can change it. Simple as that.

With that in mind, you can then make a decision to calm the limbic brain so that you can INCREASE THINKING, AND REDUCE REACTING when in conflict. Ultimately, each partner must assume responsibility for their own effective, ineffective and reactive behavior.

How to Calm the Limbic Brain:

Simply knowing the role of the limbic brain isn’t enough. Now, you need to know how to calm it down. Many couples report the following three exercises are very helpful.

First, before you begin your talk about the issue bothering you, describe for your partner how you plan to comport yourself. You might say, “…honey, this is really a loaded topic for me, so this time I’m going to remain outwardly calm even if I’m not feeling calm inside. And if I get angry, rather than screaming at you, instead I’m going to report to you that I’m feeling angry, or hurt. I will speak in a softer voice; and instead of rolling my eyes after you recap what you heard me say, I will let you know if what you heard matched what I was trying to convey. And rather than calling you names, which I always regret afterwards, because I know that’s like throwing gasoline on a fire, instead I’m going to tell you what I am feeling.”

Second, state your goal or goals for the talk. Stating goals lets your partner understand your motives. It’s likely you each have different goals. In my office the other day, one highly reactive couple stated the following:

He said: “Believe it or not, my goal is to listen, and not give any solutions to you, because I know you feel angry when I do the fix-it thing. I guess my real goal is to show you I care about you by showing you that what you have to say matters to me, and the best way to do that is for me to listen, while you talk.”

She said: Thank you, your goals make me feel safe. My goal is to give you a chance to understand what I am saying by leaving room for you to recap what I’ve said, because my deeper goal is get out of my own way, and take responsibility for being understood. And, if you don’t hear what I was trying to tell you, I’ll say it again, in a different way,
rather than criticizing you for not getting it.”

Third, if you feel activated, and unable to achieve some calm, call for a time out. There is nothing wrong with taking a break, collecting your thoughts, and soothing your emotions. Activation not only comes in the form of feeling over-the-top-angry, you might experience yourself unable to think clearly, fumbling for words, or crying. After all, don’t lose sight of the fact that the limbic brain inhibits the pre-frontal cortex from doing its job: thinking.

If you cannot think, it is very difficult to express yourself in a way that will increase the odds of being understood. A time-out can dramatically reduce reactivity. By the way, there is nothing wrong with crying, or any other emotion in and of itself. There is a problem only when the intensity of the emotions precipitate ineffective behavior, and/or, they reduce your ability to think. Before the time-out begins, agree on a specific time to resume the conversation.

Those three methods for reducing reactivity are effective for both practical and neurological reasons. For practical purposes, they clue your partner in to what you want, and pave a clear path for making the discussion emotionally safe for both of you. Furthermore, when goals of any type are made verbal or explicit, the odds for achieving them go way up. Employing these methods also sends a direct message to partner that you are taking responsibility for your side of the street.

Neurologically, these methods send positive commands to the pre-frontal cortex. That is important because recent brain research suggests that the brain does not respond so well to ‘negative commands.’ A negative command comes in the form of telling yourself what NOT to do, rather than what TO do. When you focus only on what NOT to do you create another problem: not clarifying for yourself what to do instead. Therefore, turn your WILL NOT command in to a what-you-WILL-DO command. Now you have something to work with because the pre-frontal cortex is adequately engaged.

That is exactly what the couple above did when they used the first method for reducing reactivity. They each described the behavior they wanted to stop, and then verbalized the behavior they were going to replace it with. By the way, their discussion went very well!

Understanding the brain’s role in conflict management is new. Putting effort toward understanding the relationship between the limbic brain and the pre-frontal cortex, and managing them effectively, will net you much greater return on investment than struggling to control your partner’s behavior. Bottom line: when the limbic brain hijacks the prefrontal cortex, now you have some ways to reverse it.

Now it’s time to give your brain a positive command. Repeat after me: “In my next discussion with my spouse/partner, rather than trying to get my partner to behave in a particular way, I instead will manage my own behavior by reducing my own reactive (limbic) brain using any or all of the three methods I am now aware of.”

This takes practice, perseverance and the desire to put the necessary effort toward being the partner and person you aspire to be. You will never regret doing any of that.

©Copyright 2010 by Jim Hutt, Ph.D.