One way to undercut a relationship is by not managing conflict effectively.

And that will usually occur one of two ways:

Either you are afraid of conflict, and avoid it, or your methods of managing conflict render you more like a bull in a china shop than like a loving partner. Both methods may be due to FEAR of conflict.

But here is how you change that: Redefine fear of conflict as fear of fighting. In other words, conflict and fighting are two separate entities.

Here is exactly how to do that.

First, define conflict as a difference, and view the difference as a neutral entity.

Second, think about what exactly it is you fear–it probably has to do with fighting, and all the bad behavior that historically has been part of how conflict may have been managed in your family of origin, which you now, at times, manifest in your relationship with your partner.

Next, define the problem as fear of fighting. Now you have the opportunity to manage conflict with out fighting.

This is the first step in the process of working your way out of being afraid of conflict.

Let’s take a look at a real life example of this in action:

Your partner calls you a name, or says something that you interpret as a put down. In the past perhaps you “didn’t want to make a fuss,” because he/she might get really angry and loud. In order to avoid “angry and loud,” you said nothing.

Now, however, you’re unwilling to continue to avoid, so you say the following: “Ouch, that comment you just made did not feel very good, and here’s why: I experience it as diminishing. Please tell me again what is is you really want me hear that let’s me truly understand what is bothering you.”

Doing that may feel risky, but the rewards are generally with that risk.

My next video will show the next step to take in becoming more comfortable with conflict, and how to manage it more effectively.

Wishing you a less conflict avoiding relationship,

Jim Hutt, Ph.D., MFT

©2011 CounselorLink.com

All rights reserved

Because we are social animals, and because it feels so good, we all want to get connected, be connected, and stay connected.

But, we often forget, one of the primary reasons for being connected has to do with survival: Without connection, we simply do not survive.

Problem is, it doesn’t seem to be that easy to stay connected.

Why? Glad you asked.

Simple: Survival doesn’t necessarily call for us to feel good about one another in spite of being connected.

It’s only when we add closeness, love, desire, etc., to the mix that things get dicey.

So, let us assume that we are evolved beyond the Alley Oop stage of human development, and that we wish to remain connected to our partner for reasons beyond those of primary survival.

How, on earth do we do that?!

First, you scratch your partner where he/she itches.

In other words, learn from your partner just exactly what it is that he/she wants from you that shows you care. And if you can’t figure it out, ASK DIRECTLY!

Once you know where he/she itches, scratch on that spot! If it seems too hard, or you are not comfortable giving what he/she wants, negotiate! Talk about it! But don’t just refuse without dialog.

Second, lose the defensiveness. Basically, defensiveness simply tells your partner that what he/she has to say is not worth listening to. THAT breaks connection. And besides, just because you get defensive doesn’t mean you will change your partner’s mind.

Just because you feel defensive, doesn’t mean you have to act defensive, set the record straight, or be right.

Setting the record straight, being right and general defensiveness all break connection.

Third, be curious about your partner’s experience. Just because YOU think he/she should not be having the experience they are having doesn’t mean you are right.

Instead of being right, ask him/her for more info about their experience. That sends the message that your partner is important to you. That maintains connection!

Once again, keeping the strong connection you have worked so hard to create means:

1.) Scratch your partner where he/she itches;

2.) Reduce your defensive responses

3.) When your partner is having an emotional experience, ask questions–get curious.

These are 3 powerful ways to maintain connection. Take a risk–try them all.

I am Dr. Jim Hutt, from CounselorLink.com, wishing you a satisfying connection!
©2011CounselorLink.com & Jim Hutt, Ph.D. MFT

All rights reserved

Click on Dr. Mark Goulston’s name at the end of this sentence for another gem of a post by Dr. Mark Gulston, from Psychology Today.

Check it out–you will not be disappointed!  He explains direct connection between listening and happy marriages, and the connection between
divorce and not listening.

Do you have a listening story you can share with us that shows us how listening made a huge difference between you and your partner?
Do tell it! We can all learn from you.  Share in the box below.  And thank you!

Wishing you a satisfying relationship,

Jim Hutt, Ph.D., MFT

©2011 CounselorLink.com

All rights reserved

Do you ever wish your partner could read your mind? What I mean is, have your partner anticipate your desire so that you don’t have to ask for whatever it is you want?

Well, for sure, NOT having your mind read has been a source of conflict for many couples. But, here’s the rub: You may not get what you want if you don’t ask, because your partner cannot read your mind! Many of you tell me, while sitting in my office, irate at your allegedly insensitive partner, “But, if I have to ask, it doesn’t mean as much.”

That’s truly unfortunate. And besides, whatever happened to old adage that the power of the gift is in the giving? When did it change to the power of a gift is in the guessing and getting it right? If you refuse to ask because you think it means less, you the risk building a gap between the two of you in three ways:

First, you prevent your partner from giving to you, when he or she may be very willing to meet your request or desire, if you would only ask.

Second, you’re telling partner you are willing to receive, but only if it’s on your terms. You partner is likely to experience that as being selfish.

Third, your desire to be anticipated becomes more important than what you wanted in the first place.

Why does the mind-reading phenomenon play such an important role? Consider this:

To begin with, it partly goes back to courtship when, indeed, there probably was a fair amount of mutual anticipation and meeting of each others desires. Naturally, we would ALL love to have a blissful courtship continue endlessly, but it’s not realistic for a number of reasons I won’t go in to now.

Also, in courtship you probably experienced your desires endlessly gratified, some by request, but many without request. After awhile, when you think your partner knows you well, you then believe you need not ask for what you want—your partner should “just know.”

And consider this: The continuous desire for anticipated gratification is a way to feel now, long after the courtship, the same way you felt during courtship. Again, unrealistic, even if understandable.

Furthermore, some people don’t want to ask for what they want because they fear they might hear the dreaded word “no.” Rather than face the prospect of disappointment, they shoot themselves in the foot by not letting their desire be known. And, when they don’t get what they want because they did not ask, they blame their partner.

Finally, part of this goes back to the family of origin. If you experienced chronic disappointment connected to not having basic needs tended to as a kid, there is a chance you will easily feel disappointment when you magically wish for something you are to afraid to ask for, and don’t get it.

So, both courtship, and early familial experiences play a role in this interesting issue that many couples face at one time or another.

Your partner does his/her best to anticipate you, and is also willing to give when you ask. Appreciate that, and reciprocate. Tell yourself that you ‘get’ to ask, not that you ‘have’ to ask. When you get what you want, show your appreciation of your partner for listening, hearing, and showing up. After all, he or she fundamentally cares for, and loves, you.

©Copyright 2009 by Jim Hutt, Ph.D.

In the physician’s office you’re not likely to query your doctor about his/her ailments.  If you did, your own problem might not be adequately addressed.

When you go to a physician,  you go to explain what it is YOU are experiencing–where YOU hurt–what YOUR problem is.  You do that by talking about yourself.  This is common sense, and we all do it automatically, without question.  Why?  BECAUSE IT WORKS–your problem/experience is understood,  appropriately attended to, and ultimately resolved.  That is a metaphor for couples in conflict.

Consider approaching your partner/spouse the same way you approach the doctor.  Imagine talking about yourself,  instead of discussing the faults of your spouse/partner.

What happens when you talk about yourself?   YOU SIGNIFICANTLY INCREASE YOUR ODDS OF BEING UNDERSTOOD, WHILE SIMULTANEOUSLY REDUCING THE INTENSITY, LENGTH AND INEFFECTIVE old patterns you’ve probably been repeating possible for years. In short you break an old pattern.

But you’ve also done something else: You’ve taken charge and control of yourself instead of trying to control/change your partner/spouse.  When you make a conscious decision to break an old, ineffective pattern, and instead take control of yourself, you are doing something very POWERFUL.  You have maximized your odds of being understood.   Conversely, repeated attempts to control your partner’s/spouse’s behaviors, thoughts and feelings is OVERPOWERING.  And guess what–it does not work!

If you want to have a positively effective impact on your relationship, do what’s powerful:  TALK ABOUT YOURSELF.  If you want to break old, ineffective, frustrating or destructive patterns, TALK ABOUT YOURSELF. That is, if you really want to be understood.

So, how do you actually so this?  Well, start with the following exercise: The next time your partner says or does something that rubs you the wrong way, don’t ask the usual question we all know how to ask, such as, “Why did you say/do THAT?!!”

Instead, break that old pattern– talk about yourself by saying something like: “Gee, that was hard to hear– I felt a little bruised when I heard that.”  Leave it at that for the moment.  That will pave the way for your partner/spouse to ask you as question such as: “Really?  What did you hear?” Now, as you answer that question, you have an opportunity to talk more about yourself, which has increased your odds of being understood.  The old, ineffective pattern has been interrupted.

This is easier said than done because it’s hard to break old patterns–they seem to be automatic.  If it did not work as you had hoped, try again.  It takes practice and repetition, repetition, repetition. Remember, progress, not perfection.

Wishing you a more satisfying relationship,

Jim Hutt, Ph.D., MFT

©Jim Hutt, Ph.D., MFT 2008

Are Relationship Difficulties Not Responding To New Communication Skills? Learn Why That Is And How To Create The Marriage You Want!

When I use the word “marriage” I include you who live with a partner, whether or not you are married. I am talking about ANYONE who is serious about their commitment to their relationship, sharing with your partner your life and all that comes with it, straight or gay. So, when I use the ‘marriage’ throughout CounselorLink.com, I hope it is clear how and why I use the word.

If you are married, you have probably experience some or all of the following:

• Intense emotions or reactions when in conflict
• Fear about being in conflict
• Frustration due to not being heard or understood
• Wounded feelings name calling
• Patterns that inhibit your happiness

We now know there is much more at work than talking and listening that plays a role in the painful parts of our relationships or marriages. Yes, how we communicate IS important. But did you know that the way our brain is wired also influences marriages?

Sign up for CounselorLetter, my free monthly newsletter!  You will receive practical information that can lead to a happier, healthier relationship. You will learn how you can put this information to use immediately! Begin a safe, methodical journey now. Sign up for  CounselorLetter in the top left corner of this page.

I’m always grateful for any input, questions, comments, etc., that I might address in the CounselorLetter, so don’t be shy–share what you know, or what you want to know about!

You can also go to the blog and make a comment there, sign up for the newsletter, or, just drop me an email.

Directions to office

Contact Dr. Hutt

HAS YOUR RELATIONSHIP SURVIVED AN AFFAIR?

ARE YOU WILLING TO SHARE YOUR STORY?

If your relationship has survived an affair, I would very much like to hear from you.  Your stories, experiences and recovery process, if you are willing to share them, may be very helpful to others.  My desire is to learn from you, so that I can determine the different variables that constitute or lend to healing from the infidelity experience.

For example, what were/are the crucial factors that made it possible for you and your partner/spouse to continue in the relationship?  What did each of you do individually and/or as a couple that allowed for healing?  Are you still in the process of healing?  When was the infidelity(s) in relation to where the relationship is now?

If you are willing to participate in this inquiry, or you have any questions about this, please feel free to email me.  I appreciate your consideration.

In the mean time, here are two very helpful resources:

“The Monogamy Myth, by Peggy Vaughan

Brian & Anne Bercht’s Infidelity Recovery Workshops

Jim Hutt, Ph.D., MFT

Contact Dr. Hutt