If the most difficult words to hear are “you’ve got cancer,” the next most jolting sentence might be “I’ve been having an affair.” Your head spins,  emotions may erupt, your emotional earth has essentially been forever shifted on its axis.  Dreams are shattered, the partner or spouse you thought you knew is now a stranger, and the wound you feel is so deep like you’ll bleed forever.  The betrayal seems unfathomable, the hurt indescribable, and the marital ship now navigates without a rudder.

In this altered reality, this bad dream from which you can only hope you’ll awaken, the feelings of devastation are palpable, the doubt ever-present, and need for relief genuinely intense, it is very difficult to know just what to do.  You may or may not tell your friends and family, and when and if you do, for every three people in whom you confide you are granted four opinions, some conflicting.

This is a particularly delicate moment in what now marks the beginning of the recovery process from an infidelity for both you and the offending/injuring partner.  It’s delicate for several reasons,  but I’m only going to discuss one of them in this article, and it is this:  Make no decisions about the relationship at this stage of infidelity recovery.

Here is what that means:

1.  You will be told by some to leave the relationship and get a divorce;

2.  You will be told to stay and work it out;

3.  You may be told to punish him/her;

4.  You may be thinking, or have been told, to have your own affair;

For now, simply stay put.  Calling a family law attorney and beginning the divorce process before the dust has settled from this domestic explosion often ends up heaping another regret on top of the current one.  Remember:  making no decision about the disposition of the marriage AT THIS STAGE does not mean you have decided to never leave.

Why am I advising no decisions about those important matters in particular?  Because you are highly emotionally activated.  Without going in to great detail here (because you can see more detail in my previous article), the reason is because emotional reactivity prevents or inhibits logical, thoughtful thinking.  Therefore, if you are not thinking  logically and thoughtfully, the odds of making a decision might later regret skyrocket.

Yes,  you probably said to yourself and your partner an affair was “a deal breaker,”  as if it was written in stone.  However, some people find themselves re-evaluating carved-in-stone positions for a variety of reasons.  If you re-evaluate and still decide it’s a deal breaker over time, then fine.  There is no implied or explicit moral imperative about divorce in this message whatsoever.

But you’re in pain, lots of pain, and you want relief.  The limbic brain will do almost anything to get that relief because that’s the way it’s wired.  Sometimes the avenue of relief we choose ends up causing more pain, unintended pain.  While there may be an immediate reduction in pain, it also may be short lived.  You don’t need that. Instead, you need to create a solid, long lasting relief you can trust.  Right now, trusting yourself is important, as trust in general has taken a huge hit. However, bad decisions tend to increase doubt in ourselves, and reduce trust in our ability go forward and be happy again.

There are many other ways to relieve some of the initial pain of your partner/spouse’s affair,  and you can find them if you have a skilled professional help you.  Otherwise, let the dust settle, and read Peggy Vaughan’s book, The Monogamy Myth, which you will find very helpful, before you make a life changing decision.  Regain your emotional equilibrium before you make any major decisions.

In addition, you also might consider attending Brian and Ann Bercht’s workshops for people in the earlier stages of infidelity recovery.

© 2009 Jim Hutt, Ph.D., MFT & CounselorLink.com

Do you ever wish your partner could read your mind? What I mean is, have your partner anticipate your desire so that you don’t have to ask for whatever it is you want?

Well, for sure, NOT having your mind read has been a source of conflict for many couples. But, here’s the rub: You may not get what you want if you don’t ask, because your partner cannot read your mind! Many of you tell me, while sitting in my office, irate at your allegedly insensitive partner, “But, if I have to ask, it doesn’t mean as much.”

That’s truly unfortunate. And besides, whatever happened to old adage that the power of the gift is in the giving? When did it change to the power of a gift is in the guessing and getting it right? If you refuse to ask because you think it means less, you the risk building a gap between the two of you in three ways:

First, you prevent your partner from giving to you, when he or she may be very willing to meet your request or desire, if you would only ask.

Second, you’re telling partner you are willing to receive, but only if it’s on your terms. You partner is likely to experience that as being selfish.

Third, your desire to be anticipated becomes more important than what you wanted in the first place.

Why does the mind-reading phenomenon play such an important role? Consider this:

To begin with, it partly goes back to courtship when, indeed, there probably was a fair amount of mutual anticipation and meeting of each others desires. Naturally, we would ALL love to have a blissful courtship continue endlessly, but it’s not realistic for a number of reasons I won’t go in to now.

Also, in courtship you probably experienced your desires endlessly gratified, some by request, but many without request. After awhile, when you think your partner knows you well, you then believe you need not ask for what you want—your partner should “just know.”

And consider this: The continuous desire for anticipated gratification is a way to feel now, long after the courtship, the same way you felt during courtship. Again, unrealistic, even if understandable.

Furthermore, some people don’t want to ask for what they want because they fear they might hear the dreaded word “no.” Rather than face the prospect of disappointment, they shoot themselves in the foot by not letting their desire be known. And, when they don’t get what they want because they did not ask, they blame their partner.

Finally, part of this goes back to the family of origin. If you experienced chronic disappointment connected to not having basic needs tended to as a kid, there is a chance you will easily feel disappointment when you magically wish for something you are to afraid to ask for, and don’t get it.

So, both courtship, and early familial experiences play a role in this interesting issue that many couples face at one time or another.

Your partner does his/her best to anticipate you, and is also willing to give when you ask. Appreciate that, and reciprocate. Tell yourself that you ‘get’ to ask, not that you ‘have’ to ask. When you get what you want, show your appreciation of your partner for listening, hearing, and showing up. After all, he or she fundamentally cares for, and loves, you.

©Copyright 2009 by Jim Hutt, Ph.D.

In the physician’s office you’re not likely to query your doctor about his/her ailments.  If you did, your own problem might not be adequately addressed.

When you go to a physician,  you go to explain what it is YOU are experiencing–where YOU hurt–what YOUR problem is.  You do that by talking about yourself.  This is common sense, and we all do it automatically, without question.  Why?  BECAUSE IT WORKS–your problem/experience is understood,  appropriately attended to, and ultimately resolved.  That is a metaphor for couples in conflict.

Consider approaching your partner/spouse the same way you approach the doctor.  Imagine talking about yourself,  instead of discussing the faults of your spouse/partner.

What happens when you talk about yourself?   YOU SIGNIFICANTLY INCREASE YOUR ODDS OF BEING UNDERSTOOD, WHILE SIMULTANEOUSLY REDUCING THE INTENSITY, LENGTH AND INEFFECTIVE old patterns you’ve probably been repeating possible for years. In short you break an old pattern.

But you’ve also done something else: You’ve taken charge and control of yourself instead of trying to control/change your partner/spouse.  When you make a conscious decision to break an old, ineffective pattern, and instead take control of yourself, you are doing something very POWERFUL.  You have maximized your odds of being understood.   Conversely, repeated attempts to control your partner’s/spouse’s behaviors, thoughts and feelings is OVERPOWERING.  And guess what–it does not work!

If you want to have a positively effective impact on your relationship, do what’s powerful:  TALK ABOUT YOURSELF.  If you want to break old, ineffective, frustrating or destructive patterns, TALK ABOUT YOURSELF. That is, if you really want to be understood.

So, how do you actually so this?  Well, start with the following exercise: The next time your partner says or does something that rubs you the wrong way, don’t ask the usual question we all know how to ask, such as, “Why did you say/do THAT?!!”

Instead, break that old pattern– talk about yourself by saying something like: “Gee, that was hard to hear– I felt a little bruised when I heard that.”  Leave it at that for the moment.  That will pave the way for your partner/spouse to ask you as question such as: “Really?  What did you hear?” Now, as you answer that question, you have an opportunity to talk more about yourself, which has increased your odds of being understood.  The old, ineffective pattern has been interrupted.

This is easier said than done because it’s hard to break old patterns–they seem to be automatic.  If it did not work as you had hoped, try again.  It takes practice and repetition, repetition, repetition. Remember, progress, not perfection.

Wishing you a more satisfying relationship,

Jim Hutt, Ph.D., MFT

©Jim Hutt, Ph.D., MFT 2008

YELLING AT CHILDREN

This is a topic that has meaning for everyone.  All of us have raised our voices, probably more than once.  No, I did not come from a home of screaming parents or siblings.  However, I do see many families and couples who yell a lot at each other, and the short and long-term consequences of regular yelling/screaming are not pretty. Those of you who experience yelling know what I’m talking about.

Let’s start with the impact of yelling at children:

First, it teaches them how to yell, when to yell, and that yelling is an effective response to emotionally charged situations.  By extension, it teaches them an ineffective way to process anger, as anger is usually associated with yelling.

Second, yelling scares most children—the younger the child, often the more fear they feel.  In a state of fear it is next to impossible for a child to think about their mistake or misbehavior.  If a child cannot think about their mistake, a child cannot learn from their mistake.

Third, regularly yelling at a child before the age of 3 or 4, or before they have an expansive developmental use of language, teaches them to replace useful language with yelling.  In other words, a child will not learn  useful, effective expression when yelling is their model.  The short version is, ‘if mom and/or dad yell, then so can I.’  They are too young to know better.

Back to the fear induced by a yelling parent.  Children are far less likely to learn the lesson you want them to learn when they are afraid.  Instead of the lesson they might otherwise learn from natural, appropriate consequences associated with their mistake, they learn to be afraid.  Fearful children often grow up to be fearful adults and parents.  Sometimes they grow up to be yellers.  No surprise.

HELPLESSNESS

Not only is yelling learned from our own parents in some cases, it also means a parent probably feels helpless.  It is a sign that a parent does not know a more effective alternative at that moment.  Helplessness is a very powerful feeling, and when the brain reads the ‘helpless signal,’ so to speak, it will do almost anything to reduce it.  The antidote to helplessness begins with a four step process, which will aide in reducing/stopping yelling at the kids:

First, make a conscious, verbal decision to stop.

Second,  make the commitment to learn the skills necessary for replacing yelling with effective responses.  Go to The Love and Logic Institute, and invest in their parenting CD’s, books & DVD’s.  From that material you can learn those skills (no, I do not get residuals for recommending their remarkable material, but I’d appreciate it if you would tell them I sent you!).  All you need to know about replacing yelling, and learning how to really enjoy parenting is there. OK, now that’s your skills toolbox.  But, now you have to reduce the reactivity that precedes your yelling–that’s the hard part.  Parents who effectively manage their emotional reactivity do not tend to yell.

Third, if reactivity (which I will say more about below) and anger are problems for you, which frequently is the case with chronic yellers, professional counseling may be your best investment.

Fourth,  try this new thought as a guide to changing your thinking about yelling as you consider making your decision to stop:  There is nothing a child can do that calls for yelling at them—unless it will literally save their life.

By the way, in 29 years of practice, I’ve never met a parent who remarked:  “Boy, do I regret not yelling a my kid, what a mistake that was.”

YELLING AT YOUR SPOUSE/PARTNER

Yelling at your spouse/partner induces fear, just as it does in a child.  Brain research has shown that it is very difficult to think while in a state of fear.  If you want your partner to think about what you say,  the odds for that increase  when you speak in a way that does not produce fear.  When your partner hears yelling, the brain reads it as DANGER, and your partner experiences fear.  It (the brain)  immediately goes in to some degree of fight or flight mode—how much depends on the amount of perceived threat.  The behavior from your partner at that point will probably range from yelling back/defensiveness (fight mode) to silence/withdrawal (flight mode).  Neither will produce a satisfactory outcome.

Fight mode is sometimes referred to as “reactive.”  In fight or reactive mode we tend to say things we regret or wish we could take back, which, of course calls for repair.  Part of this pattern often includes your partner reacting defensively and/or critically when yelled at.  That defensiveness triggers more frustration, anger and lashing out.  Without knowing what to do, or how to respond differently, the cycle  is repeated, and both partners suffer and struggle with a broken or unsatisfactory conflict management process.  The next time an issue surfaces it will be anticipated with dread.

Flight mode is also referred to as silence/withdrawal.  In flight mode, two common options arise:  One, you either do not know what to say due shutting down with fear; or, two, you may know exactly what you want to say, but, you say nothing because a part of you believes that what you think and/feel is unimportant, so why bother.  Either way you have no voice.  In the end, both you and your partner are probably angry, hurt, disappointed and frustrated, and blaming the other for the “breakdown in communication.”

More accurately, there was no “breakdown in communication,” per se.  In fact, there was plenty of communication, too much of it ineffective.  More significant was the breakdown in reactivity management.  All the good communication skills in the tool bag will be of little use in the face of unchecked or poorly managed reactivity.  Why might professional counseling helpful at this point?  Because chronic ineffectively managed reactivity almost always has some roots in our early history.  A competent marital therapist can help connect early roots to current events, finish some old business, and help you develop reactivity management alternatives.

AN ALTERNATIVE TO YELLING

I am aware that many of you prefer counseling as a last resort.  If that’s the case, on your own, try the following:

1.  Before you begin your discussion,  each of you verbally acknowledge your willingness to break the pattern that is not working.  It might sound like this:  “The last time we discussed this, I did not react effectively.  I am going to try some new behaviors.”

2.  Next, each of you openly acknowledge to your partner how you aspire to be during the discussion.  If you tend to be the yeller, acknowledge that you aspire to be calm, and what new behavior you plan to employ if you begin to feel activated.  You might say, for example,  “I’m starting to feel like I want to yell, my frustration is building, I would like to stop for a few minutes so that I can get calm again.”  THAT WOULD BE NEW BEHAVIOR.  If you begin to feel activated, take responsibility for it—do not blame your partner.  What ever new behavior you decide to try, let it be known in advance of the discussion.  No surprises, unless they’re pleasant ones.

3.  Hold yourself to the healthy code of conduct to which you aspire; let your partner do the same for him/herself.  How you aspire to be is all you have control over.

4.  In advance, put a time limit on the length of the discussion.  If you each feel comfortable continuing on, agree to another time limit. Repeat as necessary.

5.  When either of you call for a time out, especially to lower your reactivity, decide on a time to resume.  This reduces the chances of  avoiding your way out of the discussion entirely.

6.  After the discussion, and only if you both agree to, analyze YOUR own respective roles in how the discussion went.  Talk about yourself, unless complimenting your partner.  Determine where you might become more effective, and tell your partner.  Focus on your behavior, not your partner’s.

Good luck in your attempts to break this difficult pattern.  It’s not easy.  The fact that you made an attempt builds trust and self confidence.

Wishing you a satisfying relationship,

Jim Hutt, Ph.D., MFT

© Jim Hutt, Ph.D., MFT 2008

Divorce & Its Effect On Children

The following article is, in my opinion, an excellent expose about this topic.  Most of all, this manuscript is non-judgmental, fair-minded and comprehensive.  It is not written to tell you what do or not do.  It is oriented toward helping couples and professionals reset their intellectual compass so as to think about the process of determining the impact of your specific divorce given your specific familial situation.   In short, the issue is not a binary is-divorce-good-or-bad-for-children.  Read on and you you will get the full picture.

Feel free to leave a blog post at the end of the article, or send email to me with your comments.

Jim Hutt, Ph.D., MFT

What Researchers Say About Divorce

Russell Collins, MFT & Laura Collins, JD

Over a million kids will become children of divorce this year. About 20 percent of divorced families seek help for their children—a whopping number when you remember that by most estimates, around 50 percent of all marriages end in divorce. If you are a therapist in private practice or you are with an agency, chances are you deal daily with families and kids in one stage or another of a divorce. In a perfect world, you would have at your fingertips all of the knowledge that’s been collected about divorce. This knowledge would add immeasurably to your understanding of your clients’ problems and the effects– intended and unintended—of your therapeutic interventions.

In reality, few therapists have enough time to sort through the academic journals and extract the useful information. It is unfortunate, because research conducted over the last three or four years has shed new light on the questions that psychotherapy clients most often want answered:

*  Just how damaging is divorce to children?
*  Should we stay together for the kids?
*  How important are fathers in the lives of the children of divorce?
*  How damaging to children is the legal battle over children and money—and is there a better way?

The good news is that much of this research has itself been researched and mined for data that therapists and others can use. Here are a few of the most important findings.

Q: Are our kids going to suffer if we get divorced? Will they be emotionally damaged?

This is the controversy that has been brewing since Judith Wallerstein first published her startling research findings in the 1979 book, Surviving the Breakup. Wallerstein found that children really do suffer in a divorce, a fact that she believed had gotten lost in the euphoria of the “divorce revolution” of the 70s. In 2000, Wallerstein reignited the controversy with the publication of The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce, a follow-up study that showed children of divorce continue to suffer into adulthood.

On the heels of Wallerstein’s book, E. Mavis Hetherington (For Better or for Worse: Divorce Reconsidered) and Constance Ahrons (We’re Still Family) published studies making the opposite argument: that most grown children of divorce recover quickly and are as emotionally stable as those from continuously married families. Many people, including mental health professionals, have been confused by these findings. How could serious researchers come to such contrary conclusions when studying the same subject?

To make matters worse, the media has exaggerated the controversy and given it a distinctly political slant.
To get a straight answer, we turned to Robert Emery, Professor of Psychology and Director of the Center for Children and Families and the Law at the University of Virginia. Emery is the author of the 2004 best-seller, The Truth About Children and Divorce, a highly readable and informative guide for parents on the effects of divorce on children. He is also one of the nation’s leading researchers on the topic of divorce.

“The truth is in the middle, not at the extremes,” he said, speaking from his office at the University of Virginia. “The media has done a great disservice to families struggling with this issue by presenting it in such black and white terms.” Emery has reviewed virtually all the relevant research—hundreds of studies—from which he has extrapolated a core of verifiable facts. From his viewpoint, it is misleading to talk about divorce being “good” or “bad” for children. He speaks instead about the difference between the pain that almost all of these children feel and the pathology that a minority of them develop. When you look at the data this way, Emery says, much of the controversy melts away.

What emerges instead are useful distinctions that can help light the way for divorcing parents and the therapists who advise them. And, surprisingly, Emery says, proponents on both sides of the argument— even writers as diverse as Wallerstein and Ahrons—are able to get behind these conclusions. The highlights are these:

Divorce is almost always stressful and painful for kids—especially during the first year or two. Therapists should expect this, advise parents to expect it, and help them understand and deal with it as it arises.
There is no doubt that some of these children are at risk of developing emotional problems. It’s hard to get an exact fix on how many, Emery admits, as the problems sometimes start early, long before the divorce. But most researchers put the number at around twenty to twenty-five percent.

Eighty percent of children from divorced families have no more psychological problems than children from continuously married families. This information is key for both for parents considering divorce and the therapists who advise them. To use the technical jargon, most children are resilient.

Resilience isn’t the same as getting through divorce without pain. Nor does it mean that the pain of divorce won’t linger long into adulthood. In fact, most adult children of divorce report painful memories. “Forty-eight percent of young people worry about events where their parents will be together, like weddings or a recital,” Emery quotes from the research. “And, about a third of young people who did not live with their dads wondered whether their dads loved them. These painful experiences do not qualify as “pathology” in the sense that psychotherapists use the word. But this kind of pain is certainly not something that you want for a child.”

Of course, every divorce, and every divorcing family, is different. “For some families, particularly those where conflict is a pervasive and damaging presence, divorce can come as a relief,” Emery acknowledges. “For others, the transition is extremely painful.” Influences affecting a family’s experience of divorce range from socioeconomic variables to parenting competence to the individual personalities involved. The research makes no prediction about how an individual family will fare during divorce. But it does provide signposts to help therapists understand the process as it unfolds, and it provides guidance for getting through it with minimal damage to family members and family relationships.

On the topic of which factors are correlated with resilience versus pathology, Emery is quick to point out that conflict between parents is at the top of the list. He thinks that therapists can be incredibly important in mitigating pathology. “Many couples believe that divorce is the end of their relationship and the end of their troubles with the spouse,” he says of the often naïve expectations of divorcing parents. “But for many divorcing parents, the opposite turns out to be true, because they find themselves battling over, through, and on top of the kids.” Without proper guidance, couples hoping to escape the unhappy, complicated entanglements of married life through divorce may find themselves more deeply entangled than ever. Rather than reducing the damaging conflict in their children’s lives by divorcing, Emery says, these couples increase it.

Q: So, are children damaged by divorce?

The answer from research is that they don’t have to be, and that in many cases, the parents themselves can make the choice for their family by the way they behave toward each other both during and after divorce.

Q: Should we stay together for the kids?

The idea that parents might consider ignoring their difficulties with each other and sticking it out for their children’s sake has enjoyed a resurgence in the last few years. Until recently, most social scientists have taken the position that unhappy parents make unhappy families and unhealthy children. The opposite viewpoint—that family cohesion should take precedence over the personal fulfillment of parents—has been maintained primarily by experts speaking from a religious or politically conservative point of view.

This view has made it difficult to do serious research in this area without being tagged as a member of one faction or the other, according to Paul Amato. Amato chairs the Sociology Department at Penn State and has studied the structure of families for 20 years. Nevertheless, objective research is being done on the issue, with surprisingly specific conclusions. In a 2001 study carried out with fellow researcher, Allan Booth, Amato found that divorce in high-conflict marriages often results in beneficial effects for the children, while the dissolution of a low conflict marriage is more likely to have a negative impact.

Emery, who has reproduced Amato’s findings in more recent research, can think of several reasons why this effect might be so. “A marriage can be ‘good enough’ for the children without being good for the parents,” he points out. To the children, a family may feel like a safe and nurturing place, even as the parents suffer in silence.

These findings may have other implications too—about how parents should responsibly let children in on the less-than-perfect aspects of their marriage. “It may be that parents in low-conflict marriages overprotect their kids,” Emery says. “Maybe these parents need to alert their kids—‘Hey, your mom and I aren’t getting along right now’.” Sharing this information might reduce the traumatic impact of a divorce announcement that comes out of the blue and helps to prepare the children emotionally. “And, if they don’t split up,” Emery adds, “the kids learn you can have conflict and work it out.”

Obviously, these observations don’t provide a clear-cut answer to the question whether parents should of stay together for the kids. In fact, they make the decision process a thornier one by adding a new layer of complexity. If children from low-conflict families are better off when parents stay together, then the choice may come to, “Whose happiness am I going to choose?” High-conflict couples confront the opposite dilemma: “Am I hurting my child by trying to save the marriage?”

For therapists too, this scenario further complicates an already difficult question: how do I educate and inform these parents of likely outcomes without pushing them toward one decision or the other? Therapists must be skillful in introducing this news in a way that opens up new levels of responsibility and freedom for clients, rather than the opposite. Done properly, however, it can be tremendously helpful for clients to know what the new findings are, even if it reopens a question many considered closed.

Should we stay together for the kids? The answer from research is this: in a low conflict marriage, you can stay together for the kids with a reasonable hope that your sacrifice will pay off. In a high-conflict marriage, on the other hand, you can separate or divorce with confidence that you have helped your children escape the seriously damaging consequences of fighting between parents. Used wisely, both the questions and the answers can enrich the decision-making process and make your client’s time in therapy more useful and productive.

Q: How important are fathers in the lives of infants and toddlers?

This question is another that has galvanized debate among advocacy groups for the last ten years or so. It is also a question that may come at a therapist from various directions.

A divorcing mom says the father is incompetent and shouldn’t be allowed significant time with their very young children. A discouraged father is considering “dropping out” of his children’s lives.
Both parents want the father to spend more time with his children, and want to know the developmentally “correct” way to go about it.

Paul Amato has spent the last ten years immersed in the question of father’s involvement in their childrens lives. His conclusion, at the end of that time is, fathers are very important.  Paul Amato has spent the last 10 years immersed in the question of father’s involvement in their childrens’ lives.  His conclusion, at the end of that time, is that fathers are very important. “Positive, frequent involvement on the part of nonresident fathers benefits children,” Amato says.  But he is quick to distinguish between “real parenting” and the “Disneyland dad” kind.  “Going out for ice cream, seeing movies, or visiting amusement parks may be
enjoyable, but these activities do not necessarily contribute in a positive way to children’s development,” Amato says. Instead, children benefit when dads are involved in the activities that significantly effect development.

“Keeping track of how their children are doing in school, talking with their children about right and wrong, helping their children with personal problems, and even disciplining their children when they misbehave.” And, of course, he adds, “fathers need to let their children know that they are loved deeply.”

Research like Amato’s that demonstrates benefits for fathers’ involvement is still being aggressively challenged.  Critics see insufficient evidence that multiple caregivers do a better job of raising small children than mothers who raise kids alone.   But the tide of opinion may be changing. The research is piling up and having its influence on policymakers and judges figuring out the best course of action when mothers and fathers battle for the custody of their children.

But statements like these have been aggressively challenged by those arguing that there is little evidence that multiple caregivers do a better job of raising small children than mothers who raise kids alone. The issue is highly politically charged, of course, as policymakers and judges try to find the best course of action when mothers and fathers fight over the custody of their children.

To add substance to the debate, Marsha Kline Pruett has just this year completed a five-year study on the effects of divorce on very young children. As she talks, her reasons for focusing her efforts here become apparent. “So many divorcing families have children under six,” she says, “yet the legal system knows so little about young kids.”

Not only that, but an increasing number of unmarried couples now want to share parenting time. “In the absence of empirical evidence, people are making judgments about parenting relying on outdated assumptions.”

One of the effects of this, says Pruett, has been that fathers have often been excluded from the lives of their young children, to the detriment of the very kids the system is trying to protect. “Dad’s often get hit with a double whammy,” she says. “First, they are going through a divorce that they often don’t want, then they are being cut out of their young children’s lives.” This leads to fathers feeling disenfranchised, discouraged, and, in many cases, they quietly slip away. “Fathers of young children are at high risk,” she says, “because they haven’t had time to develop the relationship. Three or four years later, when the system finally grants them significant access to their kids, it’s just too late—for both the fathers and the kids.”

Pruett and her research team at Yale conducted a sizable study of 132 divorced families over a period of one and a half years. Their purpose was to discover the effects of parenting arrangements that allowed young children to spend time in both parents’ homes.

What Pruett discovered was, “by 18 months, not doing overnights is bad for kids, especially for girls.” In fact, Pruett discovered, among the variables she studied, the most important one for young girls was overnights with their dads. “And by age three,” she found, “boys and girls who are not doing overnights look worse socially and cognitively, and in all kinds of other areas, too.”

Psychotherapists working individually with divorcing parents need to understand what’s at stake, Pruett says. “When fathers drop out of children’s lives, they are at risk for a whole host of problems.” But parents are often too busy protecting their own interests to notice. “A young mother or mother-to-be may find the idea of giving up two or three nights a week highly undesirable. A father, conversely, may feel discouraged by the messages he’s getting from the courts or the mother herself.” These situations can easily result in the father being absent. Yet, what the research is telling us is, for most of these very young kids, a missing father can leave a hole in their lives and a damaged link in their development.

This is where the therapist’s role can be pivotal. Looking systemically at the problem rather than addressing just the immediate complaint of a mother or father, the therapist can help his/her client see his/her choices in relation to the whole family picture. And the research can be most helpful in persuading parents to “play ball.” “Kids can’t speak for themselves in this situation,” Pruett laments, “and the parents simply have no idea.”

Sometimes, the therapist is the only one who can see the damage in store for the children and intervene to head it off. A little parent education can go a long way as therapists help guide their clients who are considering divorce. “They need to have a picture of what life is like after divorce,” says Pruett, “and many of these parents turn to their therapist to get some perspective. Moms may imagine their lives as single moms living with their child, not realizing how important— and how likely—it is for the father to be sharing those nights.”

Pruett echoes one of Emery’s points about the therapists’ role in divorce. Much of the value of therapy is helping to paint a realistic picture of life after divorce. The unexpected sources of conflict, like overnights with young children; the unanticipated experience of loneliness when the kids are with their other parent; or, as Emery points out, the fact that parents must go on parenting together although the marriage is over. These are the realities of life after divorce, and therapy clients are often surprisingly blind to them. The therapist who has a full and authoritative grasp of these realities and who can convey them effectively provides a benefit that contributes substantially to their clients’ lives in the years ahead.

Q: Are there ways to get through the legal process without damaging the kids?
Just this year, Emery completed a landmark study on the effects of the legal process on children in divorce. Specifically, he asked the question about whether an alternate process—divorce mediation—would make a difference over the years in post-divorce families. The results came as a surprise.

“I was shocked,” he told me. “Twelve years later the mediation—just five or six hours of it—produced huge differences in important variables, like the amount of contact with the father or non-residential mother.” Better parenting, more involvement from non-residential parents, and greater cooperation between parents were all apparent twelve years later. “And how often does five or six hours of anything make that much difference twelve years later?” Emery asks.

“Emory’s new research takes on particular significance in light of what we already know about the effects of parents’ fighting on kids.” Conflict is often the direct cause of kids’ pain and confusion during the time of divorce. The anger and grief that many children of divorce feel as adults can also be linked to conflict. And the psychological scarring and emotional damage that a minority of children suffer as a result of divorce, that, too, is often traceable to conflict. Inter-parental conflict is just bad for kids, and the legal system makes this kind of conflict all but inevitable.

“To put it the way my kids would say it, the choice to mediate is a ‘big duh.’” Emery said. “Should parents carry their conflict into the public arena and put each other down in a courtroom, or sit down in private and work out this intensely personal matter?”

As dramatic as they are, Emery’s conclusions about the superiority of divorce mediation over the litigation route come as no surprise to those in the field. Judges, therapists and lawmakers watching the pernicious effects of court battles on families have, for years, been scratching their heads at its ineffectiveness and inappropriateness for dissolving marriages.

Adding it up—The good news and the bad for divorcing parents:
*   Most children make it through divorce without damage-and some children even gain a little resiliency in   the process.
*  The number of children who suffer lasting damage is relatively small—twenty to twenty-five percent.
*   The choices parents make—about fighting and about fathers staying involved, specifically— can spell the difference between pathology and resiliency in their children.
*    Parents can stay together to the benefit of their children. Or, they can choose to separate to spare them from damaging conflict.
*    Mediation works far better than the court system in helping parents get through divorce without damaging their children.

These are all things we didn’t know with certainty just a few short years ago. But this is what the new research is telling us. Therapists who know and understand these findings are guiding their clients more effectively through the turbulent waters of divorce, providing significant benefit to their clients, their client’s families, and their communities.

Russell Collins, MFT, and Laura Collins, JD, are a psychotherapist/ lawyer co-mediation team specializing in child-friendly divorce. They live and work in Santa Barbara. They can be contacted at (805) 969-6370, or through their website at www.collinsmediation.com.
by: Russell Colllins, MFT and
Laura Collins, JD
The Therapist – November/December 2006

Are Relationship Difficulties Not Responding To New Communication Skills? Learn Why That Is And How To Create The Marriage You Want!

When I use the word “marriage” I include you who live with a partner, whether or not you are married. I am talking about ANYONE who is serious about their commitment to their relationship, sharing with your partner your life and all that comes with it, straight or gay. So, when I use the ‘marriage’ throughout CounselorLink.com, I hope it is clear how and why I use the word.

If you are married, you have probably experience some or all of the following:

• Intense emotions or reactions when in conflict
• Fear about being in conflict
• Frustration due to not being heard or understood
• Wounded feelings name calling
• Patterns that inhibit your happiness

We now know there is much more at work than talking and listening that plays a role in the painful parts of our relationships or marriages. Yes, how we communicate IS important. But did you know that the way our brain is wired also influences marriages?

Sign up for CounselorLetter, my free monthly newsletter!  You will receive practical information that can lead to a happier, healthier relationship. You will learn how you can put this information to use immediately! Begin a safe, methodical journey now. Sign up for  CounselorLetter in the top left corner of this page.

I’m always grateful for any input, questions, comments, etc., that I might address in the CounselorLetter, so don’t be shy–share what you know, or what you want to know about!

You can also go to the blog and make a comment there, sign up for the newsletter, or, just drop me an email.

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HAS YOUR RELATIONSHIP SURVIVED AN AFFAIR?

ARE YOU WILLING TO SHARE YOUR STORY?

If your relationship has survived an affair, I would very much like to hear from you.  Your stories, experiences and recovery process, if you are willing to share them, may be very helpful to others.  My desire is to learn from you, so that I can determine the different variables that constitute or lend to healing from the infidelity experience.

For example, what were/are the crucial factors that made it possible for you and your partner/spouse to continue in the relationship?  What did each of you do individually and/or as a couple that allowed for healing?  Are you still in the process of healing?  When was the infidelity(s) in relation to where the relationship is now?

If you are willing to participate in this inquiry, or you have any questions about this, please feel free to email me.  I appreciate your consideration.

In the mean time, here are two very helpful resources:

“The Monogamy Myth, by Peggy Vaughan

Brian & Anne Bercht’s Infidelity Recovery Workshops

Jim Hutt, Ph.D., MFT

Contact Dr. Hutt